Rant about "Friends"

We're all in some kind of relationship. Whether it's with our parents, siblings, family, friends, lovers, or ourselves, we are in a relationship. I feel like I never really connected with my family or friends. I blame myself for some of that but also a lot on the other person.

My mother and I were close when I was in high school. Before that we never got a long. Now we stay in touch but sometimes I don't know what to say to her on the phone. 

I can deal with my family. I have come to accept that they won't really ever truly understand me. But the biggest thing that I hate is my lack of friends. I don't know what it is about me that screams "stay away" but I've never really had friends. The last time I remember feeling like I was liked was in second grade. Even then, I was still a little shit when I hung out with a certain girl. She was a bad influence... we were all still young though. No one really disliked me. When I moved away for third grade my new school was all about popularity. I was an outcast on day 1. I found a friend who kind of understood me. For a few years we dealt with not being the most popular people. I moved again in 6th grade. I was surrounded by a bunch of people who were very involved with the church. I made one friend. She stayed my friend until the end of high school. I made a few friends during those years. One I still talk to. I consider her to be my best friend but now that she has two kids... we never talk about anything other than that. We don't see each other because I moved 2,000 miles away.

I feel like I have always been a great friend. The friend that will come to you in when you need it most, who will give you a bed to sleep on, a shoulder to cry on, I will call you first, text you a wall of text trying to help, i'll "tag" you in funny things, and i'll try my best to help. But when it comes to me being in need, no one is there for me. And I mean no one. My boyfriend is really the closest thing I have to a best friend. He's great. He listens to me and my problems. But he has no clue on how to help me. He doesn't know how to give advice, offer solutions, or give words of encouragement. He has no idea how to be that person. Which is very hard for me. I want to tell him everything and I do. But he can't really be there for me.

I guess i've come to accept that I don't have that friend. And I probably will never have a friend who will care about me as much as I do them. I think I'm done trying to help my friends. I honestly think they don't care whether or not I help them. Tonight I was very upset and stressed out. I called on my friend who just said the other day that he'd always be there for me. I sent him a long message about what was going on. I was surprised when he gave a quick answer and seemed like I was bothering him. He basically told me he didn't know how to help. And not because this is out of his range, more like he just didn't want to try.

It really bummed me out but I kept trying to talk to him. Force the conversation. He sent one word replies and seemed disinterested. I'm just so done trying to make my relationships with people work. Sometimes I just want to delete every person who I don't talk to and be done with it. I'm also going to stop talking to someone if they aren't trying to have a conversation with me. If you don't want to talk to me, then don't. It makes me more frustrated when you pretend like you care, but don't. So when I come to you for help, you drop me flat on my face. So i'm with it. I'm done putting in the effort. If you need me, i'll be here. But i'm not going to waste my time. 

I have so much to worry about with myself that I can't afford to keep trying to make it work with other people. I wish I had a best friend who would call me and ask me whats up, lets hang out, how are you feeling today? But I guess that person isn't out there for me. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference but i'm jealous. I'm jealous that my friends have someone like me. Someone they don't deserve. And I have no one. 

Cheap and Easy Breakfast Sandwiches!

Breakfast the easy way

Before anyone gets any ideas... this is not my recipe!!! I am frequently on Pinterest and have seen this pin on numerous occasions. I have tried a lot of recipes on Pinterest and a lot of the time they are flops. So naturally I had to try this quick and easy recipe! Rob works early in the morning so I wanted to make something that would last and be easy to heat up in the morning. The original recipe comes from Macheesmo- Cooking with Confidence. This is a great food blog, I highly recommend it!

So let's get right into it! It took me about 20 minutes of prep time. The recipe makes 12 sandwiches so in reality, you're saving so much time in the end. 

The whole recipe really is genius. These egg cups fit perfectly on English muffins and can be customized by adding in what you like to eat!

For my egg cups I added baby spinach, ground sausage, and cheese. I also spiced my eggs up because Rob loves spicy food!

I love finding recipes that are affordable and can stretch over a few meals. These days, they are hard to come by. What I love about this is that it's also healthy. It's packed with protein and veggies. You can't beat that!

I also had most of the ingredients already in my kitchen. For me breakfast can become very repetitive. Cereal, toast, eggs, and repeat. Sometimes I am so put off by the thought of having to eat breakfast,  I skip it completely- not a good idea!

Once I had the sausage done, I got right into cracking 12 eggs. Which was a lot more enjoyable that it probably should have been! I added some salt, pepper, and Cajun seasoning to spice it up a bit. I was out of hot sauce unfortunately! 

Another big step to this is greasing up your muffin tin with butter. The original recipe specifically asks to use this rather that vegetable spray. I used a stick and went inside each cup. I even put butter on my finger and got into all the edges. 

Once your muffin tin is nice and greased up, add the baby spinach! I took off the stems and depending on their size, I put 3-4 leaves per cup.

Once the spinach was in place I took a 1/4 measuring cup and scooped in the eggs. It worked perfectly with the measuring cup and didn't make a mess. I then added the sausage crumble- a generous amount. Then topped then with some cheese. 

Ta-da!! Right out of the oven!! Don't tell me these don't look absolutely delicious! They smelled so good and mouth watering. The best part? They popped right out of the tin! No fuss at all. Definitely use the butter. 

Now you can wrap them up and put them in the freezer. All you have to do is put one in the microwave and then toast up the English muffin. Easy, cheap, and so yummy!!

Let me know if you guys try this recipe! Also make sure to check out Macheesmo's blog! 

Prep time: 20 minutes. 

Bake time: 20 minutes.

All together: 40 minutes.

Ingredients: 

• 12 eggs (scrambled)
• baby spinach (roughly 2 cups)
• 1/2 lb of ground sausage
• 2 tablespoons of butter
• 6-8 ounces of shredded cheese
• 12 English muffins
• salt and pepper (optional: seasonings of your choice)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. 

Scramble the 12 eggs and add spices in a large bowl.

Cook the ground sausage.

Grease the muffin tin with butter.

Place 3-4 spinach leaves in the muffin tin.

Take a 1/4 measuring cup and fill each cup 3/4 of the the way full.

Add the sausage pieces.

Top with cheese.

Cook the egg cups for 20 minutes.

Let them cool for 3 minutes before taking out of the muffin tin.

Let them cool fully before you place them in the freezer.

ENJOY!

Feel free to add whatever you like to these egg cups- ham, bacon, chives etc. Mix it up and make different cups!

A New Year Without Resolutions

Welcome to the New Year! This is the time when we leave everything behind and start fresh. We make resolutions and promises to be a better person. We hold high expectations for ourselves and even life itself. But more often than not, nothing really changes. We hold ourselves to unrealistic goals and when we try to reach them, we fall short. 
I know that I have personally fantasized about achieving goals for the new year in the past and as soon as January 1st comes, I feel awful. I feel so much pressure to have a plan and to be ready. Then the next few weeks are spent criticizing myself- why can't I just do this one thing? 
It's hard to let people down but it feels even worse when you let yourself down. This year I don't want to pretend that 2016 is going to hold all the answers. I don't know what is in the cards for me. 

Instead of making a whole list of goals that I want to achieve for the next year, I just want to apply the lessons that I learned from last year.

• Trust in yourself.
• Don't forget to enjoy the little things.
• Accept that there are things that are beyond your control.
• If you don't like someone, don't pretend to be their friend.
• Don't judge people for their choices when they don't affect you.
• Call your grandparents without notice- they love it.
• Most arguments are not worth the time or effort.
• Don't be afraid to be yourself.

These are some hard lessons that I had to learn. I spent too much of last year being upset over things that I couldn't control. I refuse to let another year consume me with stress and sadness. 

It's cheesy but I found this Mark Twain quote to be very fitting for me.

My favorite part about this is "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did." I would rather make memories than look back and say that I played it safe. Every day we should be trying to live our lives to the fullest. Not promise to and then become discouraged because we didn't get the promotion or lose 50 pounds. Enjoy the experiences. Enjoy the memories. 
Now on to the fun stuff. Things we should all be looking forward to in 2016:

• Deadpool
• Zoolander 2
• The Forest
• Allegiant
• Kung Fu Panda 3
• Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice
• The Jungle Book
• Alice Through the Looking Glass
• The Secret Life of Pets
• Finding Dory

Okay these are just movies but that is what I am looking forward to the most...

I am still going to do the 52 Week Book Challenge. From January 1st to the 9th I will be reading Cinder by Marrissa Meyer. Then every Sunday I will start a new book and review the one I just read. From January 10th-16th I will read 11/22/63 by Stephen King. Not sure why I thought reading 864 pages in 7 days would be fun, but oh well.

I wish you all the best for 2016!

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award

I feel bad because I was actually given this award a few months ago and I am now just getting around to making a post about it! New Wings to Fly nominated me and I was very moved by receiving this award. I don't think many people really talk about having anxiety- especially the ugly parts. I don't think she has posted either for a few months sadly. Hopefully she comes back and makes a post!

Part of the award involves listing 10 facts about yourself so here it goes:

1. I love cows. They are my favorite animal.
2. I binge watch Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
3. I am always on Pinterest and Facebook. 
4. I was born in Utah.
5. I could sleep all day.
6. I have broken two bones- my left arm and my left ankle.
7. I don't really know how to put on make-up.
8. I love music! I am always looking for new suggestions.
9. I don't like watching TV shows that require my attention for longer than 30 minutes.
10. I prefer the mountains over the beach.

I feel bad because I am supposed to nominate 15 blogs that I feel deserve this award but I don't follow that many people! Or actually anyone yet! So if you're reading this and you know of a blog that deserves this award, please give it to them on my behalf! These are the rules:

1. Thank your nominator by posting a link to their blog on your Award post

2. List 7 to 10 Facts About Yourself

3. Nominate up to 15 other blogs for being inspirational

4. Post the rules so people know them

5. Notify your nominees via their About Page and send them the link to your Award Post with the rules on it – I will do so once I choose the lucky ones and I finish this post

6. Post the award badge on your blog anywhere you like on your pages or posts

I also just want to say thank you to anyone out there who is reading this blog. Maybe it's one person, or none. Either way I'm glad that I have a place where I can talk about my anxiety without feeling shame. My few posts have really helped me discover more about myself. This award makes me very happy and I'm glad that someone out there in blogland thought I deserved it!

Goals for 2016! 52 Week Book Challenge

Goals for 2016

Hello everyone! I haven't written in a few months, mostly because I was incredibly busy. I spent a month with my parents in Florida and then when I came home, I packed up my apartment and moved! It has been about a week and we are finally in our new townhouse. It is just me, Rob, and my brother now. And of course the fur babies Charlie and Jax. It has been an adjustment. I never appreciated everything my parents have done like calling cable companies, setting up electricity, and buying renter's insurance. Things that I have never had to do even at 21. But I got it done and here we are. 

2015 was not at all what I expected it to be like. I don't think I ever could have imagined not working for a whole entire year. I wish I could go back and not stress as much as I did. I was so anxious about everything- bills, roommates, jobs, and money. Now that i'm where I am today, things worked out. I still am unsure about what I am going to do. I would like to get a part-time job this coming year. The only problem is Rob and I share a car and I will be going back to school this spring. I think we will be able to work out me using the car for work but if I had to also keep it for going to work, I'm not sure how Rob would have rides to work and back. Ideally I want to work somewhere after hours and completely away from customer service. I know my limits and right now that is something I can't handle. 

I still feel a lot of guilt for not being able to just be a "normal" person. I wish I could have had money to buy people gifts for the holidays but not having a job killed that pretty quick. I know that I can't help the way I am but yet at the same time, I feel like it's still my fault for being this way. It comes with the illness I guess. 

I really want 2016 to be a good year. I want to just be content. Not even happy all the time. I just want to feel peace. I want to finish school, find a job that I can handle, and not stress as much. I also want Rob and I to have more fun together. Last year it felt like everything was so focused on saving money and not enjoying each other. This year I want to start off the year with money in savings and then instead of Rob's leftover money going straight into that, I want to go on dates. Maybe go out of town for a couple nights. Things that we will be able to remember. Some day soon we are going to settle down and have kids. I want to go on some adventures before we are really tied down. I also am going to take control of my health. No more excuses, I am going to do it. I don't want to be stressing about my health when I try to have children or 6 weeks from my wedding day, I just want to feel good about myself.

So my goals for 2016 are:

• Finish school and get my Associate's degree
• Spend more time with Rob
• Worry less about money
• Find a job that I will enjoy
• Take control of my health
• Read 1 book a week, 52 books for the year.

My last goal is a little more silly but I really want to read 1 book a week. It sounds really fun and something I will be able to focus on. Also reading at night will help me fall asleep sooner. I have smaller goals too like, going to bed by 11:00 pm. At this time next year, I want to feel proud that I stuck to my goals. I don't ever hold myself to anything but this year is going to be different. 

I hope you all have an amazing Christmas break and New Year! I will be blogging more often, especially about book reviews. I am really excited about reading tons (well not tons) of new books!! Here is my list of books to read so far:

• Red Queen- Victoria Aveyard
• Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children- Ransom Riggs
• Hollow City
• Library of Souls
• Cinder (Lunar Chronicles)- Marissa Meyer
• Scarlet
• Cress
• Winter
• The Death Cure (Maze Runner series)- James Dashner
• The Kill Order
• Percy Jackson The Sea of Monsters- Rick Riordan
• The Titan's Curse
• The Battle of the Labyrinth
• The Last Olympian
• The Harry Potter Series ( I know I can't believe I haven't read the either!)- J.K Rowling

For now that is all I can think of! I will update the list in a few days with the actual schedule of what i'm going to read. Any suggestions would be great as well! 

Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING.

Hey blogfriends,

I wanted to share with everyone a recipe that is near and dear to my heart, pumpkin spice cookies! My mother used to make these during the Fall season and it is probably my favorite cookie of all time... Gets me feeling all nostalgic-y! Even though that's not a word...

I made my brother a pumpkin chocolate chip cake for his 25th birthday and it was amazing. The best part is............it only has 3 ingredients!!! [insert "Hooray" sound clip here]. As far as desserts go it is also on the healthier side, which is bonus for me because i'm trying to eat better!

http://tvfoodanddrink.com/2012/10/pumpkin-chocolate-chip-cookies-2-versions/

So these are NOT my cookies, I shamelessly stole them from the internet, but mine come out looking exactly like this, which is why I chose the picture. I did not take a good picture of the one I made but I will upload a picture of it anyway!

As you can see, even in cake form, it is similar!

So what do you need???

1. 15 oz can of pumpkin puree (I used Libby's. They also have an organic option!)
2. A box of spice cake mix (I used Carrot Cake. For a gluten free option use a gluten free cake mix! Still spice flavored though. Some people like Gingerbread, Carrot Cake, Spice, use what you like.)
3. Chocolate Chips! (I used dark chocolate)
4. 1/2 tablespoon Pumpkin Pie Spice (this is optional, but recommended)

The directions are pretty straightforward. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees, mix the pumpkin puree, cake mix, chocolate chips, and pumpkin pie spice together until well blended. Scoop about a tablespoon of the mix on a foil lined cookie sheet, bake for 10-12 minutes! Then bam stuff your face full of pumpkin-y goodness! Look another made up word! Anyway, these really are a great dessert to start transitioning into Fall (YAY) and they also aren't that bad of a treat so you should feel no guilt! Unless you eat the whole tray... Also can I just add that my love for pumpkin spice is NOT because I am a white girl....seriously. 

I just felt that I had to share with you guys this recipe...but back to real life!

My anxiety has been through the roof this week. I think it might be because I really stopped following my diet. I got lazy and cheated. A lot. A lot more than I was supposed to. I felt great the first 2 weeks of my diet and my anxiety felt less severe. I slept a lot better and even had more energy. My digestion was also on point too. As soon as I stopped following it as strictly, I had problems. Insomnia, anxiety, upset stomach, low energy, and overall just a sad mood. So obviously the food I put into my body makes a big difference. Sometimes I just let myself worry and dig myself a self-pity-hole and it's hard to climb out of it sometimes. I let guilt eat away at me until I just don't want to get out of bed. I don't let myself accept the fact that I have anxiety. It is real and it comes with a lot of REAL problems. I didn't ask to be like this. And I can't be so hard on myself all the time. I also can't pretend that my problems will go away on my own, I have to work everyday at it. I may not be able to work right now but that doesn't mean I won't ever be able to work. I can find something, it just has to be the right fit for me. My perfect job is out there and it will come to me when I am truly ready for it. In the meantime I need to keep working on myself a little bit everyday.

In conclusion, I hope you guys try this recipe, let me know how it worked for you!

Paleo Day 2: Can't believe I made it to day 2!

Hey blogpeople,

Success! I made it to day two without dying! Okay that is a little over exaggerated, but it was difficult. The hardest part about yesterday was not being able to feel full. I know that I had enough food, but my body was not recognizing it as a meal. My stomach was still waiting to be stretched by all the food it is used to! So the portions were good, just not filling up my entire stomach. 
People say that I am supposed to feel "good" but I don't expect to start feeling that way until the second week or maybe even third. I think that's why dieting is so challenging. People think that eating better is so easy but in reality, its not. So don't feel discouraged if your diet is not making you feel like a million bucks yet. There is going to be a struggle in the beginning, we have to stay strong and take back control of our body!
My body is addicted to sugar, fat, and corn syrup. As sad as that is, its the truth. What's even more sad is trying to find something that doesn't include high fructose corn syrup, maltodextrins, and sweeteners!! Seriously, there is almost nothing expect for fruits, vegetables, and meat. So if you don't think that there is a food epidemic then try finding food without added sugar and you will be surprised at what is available. 
Anyway rant over...
Last night I made a roasted chicken with fresh green beans and carrots. By this point I was so ready to eat some meat and feel full! Let me tell you, food never tasted so good! 





Looks delicious right?? Well it was! And it was super healthy and filling. It felt amazing to get a bigger portion of food in this belly. I have actually never made fresh green beans before (they've always been in a can...) or carrots. So if anyone wants to try doing it, its actually really simple. 

1.  Take some fresh green beans- I think we used about 1/2 lbs.
2.  Snip off the ends
3.  Measure 1 -1 1/2 cups of water
4.  Place the green beans in a sauce pan or skillet
5.  Add the water
6.  Bring to a boil
7.  Reduce heat to a light boil for 5-6 minutes depending on how crisp you like them
8.  Drain and rinse under cold water
9.  Add 1 tablespoon of butter (I used ghee and added minced garlic)

And there you have it! Yummy green beans that are crispy and fresh!  
If you want to try the carrots its a similar process. Just pour enough water over the carrots to cover them, add some sea salt to the water, boil for about 10-20 minutes (depending on how thick they are), test softness with a fork, if ready drain, add butter. 
I added a little bit of honey to the water just to bring out some sweetness. Some people boil the carrots with sugar and salt but I can't have sugar! So I went for the more savory carrots.  
The chicken was an oven bagged chicken that we got on sale. It was an organic chicken too! 
Dinner was a success and for some dessert later on I had some apple slices and a little bit of peanut butter. 

This morning we stuck to a simple breakfast that included scrambled eggs and bacon. I am also drinking lemon water!

  

 
Doesn't that make you thirsty???

  
Bonus Charlie wearing some flip-flops!

I'm going to make a smoothie soon, around 11:00 am and then Rob and I have to run some errands. For lunch we are going to have left over chicken and a salad with apple slices! Then we are going to go to Whole Foods and Trader Joe's. 
We will have to find dinner down there because its about 30 minutes from our house, hopefully something that won't be too bad for my diet. Then we have to go see a play downtown.
Nothing against theatre or plays but I really, really don't want to go see a play....but my theatre class requires everyone to go see (and pay for, thank you teacher) a live play.

I will post about what goodies we find! Hope everyone out there has a lovely day and don't forget to drink lots of water!