Rant about "Friends"

We're all in some kind of relationship. Whether it's with our parents, siblings, family, friends, lovers, or ourselves, we are in a relationship. I feel like I never really connected with my family or friends. I blame myself for some of that but also a lot on the other person.

My mother and I were close when I was in high school. Before that we never got a long. Now we stay in touch but sometimes I don't know what to say to her on the phone. 

I can deal with my family. I have come to accept that they won't really ever truly understand me. But the biggest thing that I hate is my lack of friends. I don't know what it is about me that screams "stay away" but I've never really had friends. The last time I remember feeling like I was liked was in second grade. Even then, I was still a little shit when I hung out with a certain girl. She was a bad influence... we were all still young though. No one really disliked me. When I moved away for third grade my new school was all about popularity. I was an outcast on day 1. I found a friend who kind of understood me. For a few years we dealt with not being the most popular people. I moved again in 6th grade. I was surrounded by a bunch of people who were very involved with the church. I made one friend. She stayed my friend until the end of high school. I made a few friends during those years. One I still talk to. I consider her to be my best friend but now that she has two kids... we never talk about anything other than that. We don't see each other because I moved 2,000 miles away.

I feel like I have always been a great friend. The friend that will come to you in when you need it most, who will give you a bed to sleep on, a shoulder to cry on, I will call you first, text you a wall of text trying to help, i'll "tag" you in funny things, and i'll try my best to help. But when it comes to me being in need, no one is there for me. And I mean no one. My boyfriend is really the closest thing I have to a best friend. He's great. He listens to me and my problems. But he has no clue on how to help me. He doesn't know how to give advice, offer solutions, or give words of encouragement. He has no idea how to be that person. Which is very hard for me. I want to tell him everything and I do. But he can't really be there for me.

I guess i've come to accept that I don't have that friend. And I probably will never have a friend who will care about me as much as I do them. I think I'm done trying to help my friends. I honestly think they don't care whether or not I help them. Tonight I was very upset and stressed out. I called on my friend who just said the other day that he'd always be there for me. I sent him a long message about what was going on. I was surprised when he gave a quick answer and seemed like I was bothering him. He basically told me he didn't know how to help. And not because this is out of his range, more like he just didn't want to try.

It really bummed me out but I kept trying to talk to him. Force the conversation. He sent one word replies and seemed disinterested. I'm just so done trying to make my relationships with people work. Sometimes I just want to delete every person who I don't talk to and be done with it. I'm also going to stop talking to someone if they aren't trying to have a conversation with me. If you don't want to talk to me, then don't. It makes me more frustrated when you pretend like you care, but don't. So when I come to you for help, you drop me flat on my face. So i'm with it. I'm done putting in the effort. If you need me, i'll be here. But i'm not going to waste my time. 

I have so much to worry about with myself that I can't afford to keep trying to make it work with other people. I wish I had a best friend who would call me and ask me whats up, lets hang out, how are you feeling today? But I guess that person isn't out there for me. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference but i'm jealous. I'm jealous that my friends have someone like me. Someone they don't deserve. And I have no one. 

Cheap and Easy Breakfast Sandwiches!

Breakfast the easy way

Before anyone gets any ideas... this is not my recipe!!! I am frequently on Pinterest and have seen this pin on numerous occasions. I have tried a lot of recipes on Pinterest and a lot of the time they are flops. So naturally I had to try this quick and easy recipe! Rob works early in the morning so I wanted to make something that would last and be easy to heat up in the morning. The original recipe comes from Macheesmo- Cooking with Confidence. This is a great food blog, I highly recommend it!

So let's get right into it! It took me about 20 minutes of prep time. The recipe makes 12 sandwiches so in reality, you're saving so much time in the end. 

The whole recipe really is genius. These egg cups fit perfectly on English muffins and can be customized by adding in what you like to eat!

For my egg cups I added baby spinach, ground sausage, and cheese. I also spiced my eggs up because Rob loves spicy food!

I love finding recipes that are affordable and can stretch over a few meals. These days, they are hard to come by. What I love about this is that it's also healthy. It's packed with protein and veggies. You can't beat that!

I also had most of the ingredients already in my kitchen. For me breakfast can become very repetitive. Cereal, toast, eggs, and repeat. Sometimes I am so put off by the thought of having to eat breakfast,  I skip it completely- not a good idea!

Once I had the sausage done, I got right into cracking 12 eggs. Which was a lot more enjoyable that it probably should have been! I added some salt, pepper, and Cajun seasoning to spice it up a bit. I was out of hot sauce unfortunately! 

Another big step to this is greasing up your muffin tin with butter. The original recipe specifically asks to use this rather that vegetable spray. I used a stick and went inside each cup. I even put butter on my finger and got into all the edges. 

Once your muffin tin is nice and greased up, add the baby spinach! I took off the stems and depending on their size, I put 3-4 leaves per cup.

Once the spinach was in place I took a 1/4 measuring cup and scooped in the eggs. It worked perfectly with the measuring cup and didn't make a mess. I then added the sausage crumble- a generous amount. Then topped then with some cheese. 

Ta-da!! Right out of the oven!! Don't tell me these don't look absolutely delicious! They smelled so good and mouth watering. The best part? They popped right out of the tin! No fuss at all. Definitely use the butter. 

Now you can wrap them up and put them in the freezer. All you have to do is put one in the microwave and then toast up the English muffin. Easy, cheap, and so yummy!!

Let me know if you guys try this recipe! Also make sure to check out Macheesmo's blog! 

Prep time: 20 minutes. 

Bake time: 20 minutes.

All together: 40 minutes.

Ingredients: 

• 12 eggs (scrambled)
• baby spinach (roughly 2 cups)
• 1/2 lb of ground sausage
• 2 tablespoons of butter
• 6-8 ounces of shredded cheese
• 12 English muffins
• salt and pepper (optional: seasonings of your choice)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. 

Scramble the 12 eggs and add spices in a large bowl.

Cook the ground sausage.

Grease the muffin tin with butter.

Place 3-4 spinach leaves in the muffin tin.

Take a 1/4 measuring cup and fill each cup 3/4 of the the way full.

Add the sausage pieces.

Top with cheese.

Cook the egg cups for 20 minutes.

Let them cool for 3 minutes before taking out of the muffin tin.

Let them cool fully before you place them in the freezer.

ENJOY!

Feel free to add whatever you like to these egg cups- ham, bacon, chives etc. Mix it up and make different cups!

A New Year Without Resolutions

Welcome to the New Year! This is the time when we leave everything behind and start fresh. We make resolutions and promises to be a better person. We hold high expectations for ourselves and even life itself. But more often than not, nothing really changes. We hold ourselves to unrealistic goals and when we try to reach them, we fall short. 
I know that I have personally fantasized about achieving goals for the new year in the past and as soon as January 1st comes, I feel awful. I feel so much pressure to have a plan and to be ready. Then the next few weeks are spent criticizing myself- why can't I just do this one thing? 
It's hard to let people down but it feels even worse when you let yourself down. This year I don't want to pretend that 2016 is going to hold all the answers. I don't know what is in the cards for me. 

Instead of making a whole list of goals that I want to achieve for the next year, I just want to apply the lessons that I learned from last year.

• Trust in yourself.
• Don't forget to enjoy the little things.
• Accept that there are things that are beyond your control.
• If you don't like someone, don't pretend to be their friend.
• Don't judge people for their choices when they don't affect you.
• Call your grandparents without notice- they love it.
• Most arguments are not worth the time or effort.
• Don't be afraid to be yourself.

These are some hard lessons that I had to learn. I spent too much of last year being upset over things that I couldn't control. I refuse to let another year consume me with stress and sadness. 

It's cheesy but I found this Mark Twain quote to be very fitting for me.

My favorite part about this is "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did." I would rather make memories than look back and say that I played it safe. Every day we should be trying to live our lives to the fullest. Not promise to and then become discouraged because we didn't get the promotion or lose 50 pounds. Enjoy the experiences. Enjoy the memories. 
Now on to the fun stuff. Things we should all be looking forward to in 2016:

• Deadpool
• Zoolander 2
• The Forest
• Allegiant
• Kung Fu Panda 3
• Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice
• The Jungle Book
• Alice Through the Looking Glass
• The Secret Life of Pets
• Finding Dory

Okay these are just movies but that is what I am looking forward to the most...

I am still going to do the 52 Week Book Challenge. From January 1st to the 9th I will be reading Cinder by Marrissa Meyer. Then every Sunday I will start a new book and review the one I just read. From January 10th-16th I will read 11/22/63 by Stephen King. Not sure why I thought reading 864 pages in 7 days would be fun, but oh well.

I wish you all the best for 2016!

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award

I feel bad because I was actually given this award a few months ago and I am now just getting around to making a post about it! New Wings to Fly nominated me and I was very moved by receiving this award. I don't think many people really talk about having anxiety- especially the ugly parts. I don't think she has posted either for a few months sadly. Hopefully she comes back and makes a post!

Part of the award involves listing 10 facts about yourself so here it goes:

1. I love cows. They are my favorite animal.
2. I binge watch Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
3. I am always on Pinterest and Facebook. 
4. I was born in Utah.
5. I could sleep all day.
6. I have broken two bones- my left arm and my left ankle.
7. I don't really know how to put on make-up.
8. I love music! I am always looking for new suggestions.
9. I don't like watching TV shows that require my attention for longer than 30 minutes.
10. I prefer the mountains over the beach.

I feel bad because I am supposed to nominate 15 blogs that I feel deserve this award but I don't follow that many people! Or actually anyone yet! So if you're reading this and you know of a blog that deserves this award, please give it to them on my behalf! These are the rules:

1. Thank your nominator by posting a link to their blog on your Award post

2. List 7 to 10 Facts About Yourself

3. Nominate up to 15 other blogs for being inspirational

4. Post the rules so people know them

5. Notify your nominees via their About Page and send them the link to your Award Post with the rules on it – I will do so once I choose the lucky ones and I finish this post

6. Post the award badge on your blog anywhere you like on your pages or posts

I also just want to say thank you to anyone out there who is reading this blog. Maybe it's one person, or none. Either way I'm glad that I have a place where I can talk about my anxiety without feeling shame. My few posts have really helped me discover more about myself. This award makes me very happy and I'm glad that someone out there in blogland thought I deserved it!

Goals for 2016! 52 Week Book Challenge

Goals for 2016

Hello everyone! I haven't written in a few months, mostly because I was incredibly busy. I spent a month with my parents in Florida and then when I came home, I packed up my apartment and moved! It has been about a week and we are finally in our new townhouse. It is just me, Rob, and my brother now. And of course the fur babies Charlie and Jax. It has been an adjustment. I never appreciated everything my parents have done like calling cable companies, setting up electricity, and buying renter's insurance. Things that I have never had to do even at 21. But I got it done and here we are. 

2015 was not at all what I expected it to be like. I don't think I ever could have imagined not working for a whole entire year. I wish I could go back and not stress as much as I did. I was so anxious about everything- bills, roommates, jobs, and money. Now that i'm where I am today, things worked out. I still am unsure about what I am going to do. I would like to get a part-time job this coming year. The only problem is Rob and I share a car and I will be going back to school this spring. I think we will be able to work out me using the car for work but if I had to also keep it for going to work, I'm not sure how Rob would have rides to work and back. Ideally I want to work somewhere after hours and completely away from customer service. I know my limits and right now that is something I can't handle. 

I still feel a lot of guilt for not being able to just be a "normal" person. I wish I could have had money to buy people gifts for the holidays but not having a job killed that pretty quick. I know that I can't help the way I am but yet at the same time, I feel like it's still my fault for being this way. It comes with the illness I guess. 

I really want 2016 to be a good year. I want to just be content. Not even happy all the time. I just want to feel peace. I want to finish school, find a job that I can handle, and not stress as much. I also want Rob and I to have more fun together. Last year it felt like everything was so focused on saving money and not enjoying each other. This year I want to start off the year with money in savings and then instead of Rob's leftover money going straight into that, I want to go on dates. Maybe go out of town for a couple nights. Things that we will be able to remember. Some day soon we are going to settle down and have kids. I want to go on some adventures before we are really tied down. I also am going to take control of my health. No more excuses, I am going to do it. I don't want to be stressing about my health when I try to have children or 6 weeks from my wedding day, I just want to feel good about myself.

So my goals for 2016 are:

• Finish school and get my Associate's degree
• Spend more time with Rob
• Worry less about money
• Find a job that I will enjoy
• Take control of my health
• Read 1 book a week, 52 books for the year.

My last goal is a little more silly but I really want to read 1 book a week. It sounds really fun and something I will be able to focus on. Also reading at night will help me fall asleep sooner. I have smaller goals too like, going to bed by 11:00 pm. At this time next year, I want to feel proud that I stuck to my goals. I don't ever hold myself to anything but this year is going to be different. 

I hope you all have an amazing Christmas break and New Year! I will be blogging more often, especially about book reviews. I am really excited about reading tons (well not tons) of new books!! Here is my list of books to read so far:

• Red Queen- Victoria Aveyard
• Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children- Ransom Riggs
• Hollow City
• Library of Souls
• Cinder (Lunar Chronicles)- Marissa Meyer
• Scarlet
• Cress
• Winter
• The Death Cure (Maze Runner series)- James Dashner
• The Kill Order
• Percy Jackson The Sea of Monsters- Rick Riordan
• The Titan's Curse
• The Battle of the Labyrinth
• The Last Olympian
• The Harry Potter Series ( I know I can't believe I haven't read the either!)- J.K Rowling

For now that is all I can think of! I will update the list in a few days with the actual schedule of what i'm going to read. Any suggestions would be great as well! 

Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING.

Hey blogfriends,

I wanted to share with everyone a recipe that is near and dear to my heart, pumpkin spice cookies! My mother used to make these during the Fall season and it is probably my favorite cookie of all time... Gets me feeling all nostalgic-y! Even though that's not a word...

I made my brother a pumpkin chocolate chip cake for his 25th birthday and it was amazing. The best part is............it only has 3 ingredients!!! [insert "Hooray" sound clip here]. As far as desserts go it is also on the healthier side, which is bonus for me because i'm trying to eat better!

http://tvfoodanddrink.com/2012/10/pumpkin-chocolate-chip-cookies-2-versions/

So these are NOT my cookies, I shamelessly stole them from the internet, but mine come out looking exactly like this, which is why I chose the picture. I did not take a good picture of the one I made but I will upload a picture of it anyway!

As you can see, even in cake form, it is similar!

So what do you need???

1. 15 oz can of pumpkin puree (I used Libby's. They also have an organic option!)
2. A box of spice cake mix (I used Carrot Cake. For a gluten free option use a gluten free cake mix! Still spice flavored though. Some people like Gingerbread, Carrot Cake, Spice, use what you like.)
3. Chocolate Chips! (I used dark chocolate)
4. 1/2 tablespoon Pumpkin Pie Spice (this is optional, but recommended)

The directions are pretty straightforward. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees, mix the pumpkin puree, cake mix, chocolate chips, and pumpkin pie spice together until well blended. Scoop about a tablespoon of the mix on a foil lined cookie sheet, bake for 10-12 minutes! Then bam stuff your face full of pumpkin-y goodness! Look another made up word! Anyway, these really are a great dessert to start transitioning into Fall (YAY) and they also aren't that bad of a treat so you should feel no guilt! Unless you eat the whole tray... Also can I just add that my love for pumpkin spice is NOT because I am a white girl....seriously. 

I just felt that I had to share with you guys this recipe...but back to real life!

My anxiety has been through the roof this week. I think it might be because I really stopped following my diet. I got lazy and cheated. A lot. A lot more than I was supposed to. I felt great the first 2 weeks of my diet and my anxiety felt less severe. I slept a lot better and even had more energy. My digestion was also on point too. As soon as I stopped following it as strictly, I had problems. Insomnia, anxiety, upset stomach, low energy, and overall just a sad mood. So obviously the food I put into my body makes a big difference. Sometimes I just let myself worry and dig myself a self-pity-hole and it's hard to climb out of it sometimes. I let guilt eat away at me until I just don't want to get out of bed. I don't let myself accept the fact that I have anxiety. It is real and it comes with a lot of REAL problems. I didn't ask to be like this. And I can't be so hard on myself all the time. I also can't pretend that my problems will go away on my own, I have to work everyday at it. I may not be able to work right now but that doesn't mean I won't ever be able to work. I can find something, it just has to be the right fit for me. My perfect job is out there and it will come to me when I am truly ready for it. In the meantime I need to keep working on myself a little bit everyday.

In conclusion, I hope you guys try this recipe, let me know how it worked for you!

Paleo Day 2: Can't believe I made it to day 2!

Hey blogpeople,

Success! I made it to day two without dying! Okay that is a little over exaggerated, but it was difficult. The hardest part about yesterday was not being able to feel full. I know that I had enough food, but my body was not recognizing it as a meal. My stomach was still waiting to be stretched by all the food it is used to! So the portions were good, just not filling up my entire stomach. 
People say that I am supposed to feel "good" but I don't expect to start feeling that way until the second week or maybe even third. I think that's why dieting is so challenging. People think that eating better is so easy but in reality, its not. So don't feel discouraged if your diet is not making you feel like a million bucks yet. There is going to be a struggle in the beginning, we have to stay strong and take back control of our body!
My body is addicted to sugar, fat, and corn syrup. As sad as that is, its the truth. What's even more sad is trying to find something that doesn't include high fructose corn syrup, maltodextrins, and sweeteners!! Seriously, there is almost nothing expect for fruits, vegetables, and meat. So if you don't think that there is a food epidemic then try finding food without added sugar and you will be surprised at what is available. 
Anyway rant over...
Last night I made a roasted chicken with fresh green beans and carrots. By this point I was so ready to eat some meat and feel full! Let me tell you, food never tasted so good! 





Looks delicious right?? Well it was! And it was super healthy and filling. It felt amazing to get a bigger portion of food in this belly. I have actually never made fresh green beans before (they've always been in a can...) or carrots. So if anyone wants to try doing it, its actually really simple. 

1.  Take some fresh green beans- I think we used about 1/2 lbs.
2.  Snip off the ends
3.  Measure 1 -1 1/2 cups of water
4.  Place the green beans in a sauce pan or skillet
5.  Add the water
6.  Bring to a boil
7.  Reduce heat to a light boil for 5-6 minutes depending on how crisp you like them
8.  Drain and rinse under cold water
9.  Add 1 tablespoon of butter (I used ghee and added minced garlic)

And there you have it! Yummy green beans that are crispy and fresh!  
If you want to try the carrots its a similar process. Just pour enough water over the carrots to cover them, add some sea salt to the water, boil for about 10-20 minutes (depending on how thick they are), test softness with a fork, if ready drain, add butter. 
I added a little bit of honey to the water just to bring out some sweetness. Some people boil the carrots with sugar and salt but I can't have sugar! So I went for the more savory carrots.  
The chicken was an oven bagged chicken that we got on sale. It was an organic chicken too! 
Dinner was a success and for some dessert later on I had some apple slices and a little bit of peanut butter. 

This morning we stuck to a simple breakfast that included scrambled eggs and bacon. I am also drinking lemon water!

  

 
Doesn't that make you thirsty???

  
Bonus Charlie wearing some flip-flops!

I'm going to make a smoothie soon, around 11:00 am and then Rob and I have to run some errands. For lunch we are going to have left over chicken and a salad with apple slices! Then we are going to go to Whole Foods and Trader Joe's. 
We will have to find dinner down there because its about 30 minutes from our house, hopefully something that won't be too bad for my diet. Then we have to go see a play downtown.
Nothing against theatre or plays but I really, really don't want to go see a play....but my theatre class requires everyone to go see (and pay for, thank you teacher) a live play.

I will post about what goodies we find! Hope everyone out there has a lovely day and don't forget to drink lots of water!     
  

 

Day 1 Paleo and Gluten Free

Hello blogfriends,

I just thought I would share how the first day of my diet is going. My initial feelings are:

• Hungry
• Tired
• Excited
• Good
• Refreshed
• Hungry
• Fresh
• Hungry
• Hungry

So as you can see, I am hungry! My body is not used to being only sufficient of fruits and veggies. I knew that the hungry feeling was going to be hard in the first couple days or even week. It does not help the cravings at all. Because when you feel hungry you just want to stuff your face! But the thing is, I am eating. I'm eating plenty of food. Its just not food that makes me feel really food and gross after so my body is like WTF?? Where's the real stuff? We aren't done until we feel bad about it! So I cannot wait for that to end.

For breakfast, around 7:30 am, I tried something I saw on Pinterest! 

Looks pretty good right? And easy to make?? WRONG.

First of all, when you crack open the egg inside the pepper the egg yolk runs right out from underneath it, and that's with hold the pepper down. Second, the egg doesn't cook! the top of the egg is still, idk raw, I guess you can say. I turned the heat down to slow cook them but the bottom was burning so I decided to flip them upside down!

This is what mine turned out like! They don't look anything like the pictures! So did they end up tasting good? Nope! The combination of already over-easy eggs and juicy peppers was the weirdest flavor and consistency. It was like eating watery eggs. So I will not be doing that again though I appreciate the idea, it's just not for me. The bacon was good though. 

For a snack around 9:30 am I decided to try out our new blender and make a green smoothie. I was apprehensive about the smoothie because I've never added any greens to one before.

So I used about 2 cups of frozen fruit (mixed bag had grapes, peaches, strawberries, and blueberries), 1 cup of water, a 1/2 cup of coconut milk, 1-1/2 cups of kale, and 1 whole banana (which technically i'm not supposed to have but I figured it would do more good than harm).

The taste was actually amazing. It tasted so fresh and delicious! But, it did not look fresh not delicious...

It was quite the funky color but taste really made up for it!

As I was drinking the smoothie I just felt so good. It was like I could feel my body absorbing all the nutrients and vitamins! I don't know it was just very refreshing! 

Around 11:30 am I wanted to have a snack so I prepared some apple slices (and by prepared I mean I bought pre-sliced apples and put them on a plate), and some lemon water. 

Around 1:00 pm I will probably make my lunch but I'm not sure what I will eat...I'm not looking forward to having a salad really so I might have some cold cuts and almonds too. I really just want it to fill me up so I can make it to dinner time when I make a roasted chicken with green beans and carrots!! I cannot wait for some meat to get in this body! Okay that sounds so wrong...

Anyway this is just day 1 and the biggest thing is just feeling hungry. After I eat I actually feel really good, it's just not full. Now I have to go do homework...*groan*

What is your standard?

Hey everyone!



I am currently putting off doing homework because I really, really, do
not feel like doing it. I thought that the assignment was going to be
simple and short but I have to actually end up writing a 2-4 page essay
and I'm just not feeling that right now...or ever. But I will get it
done eventually. Well, I have to its due tonight...

Anyways!
So my last post I talked about how I was getting real with myself and
decided to choose to start taking care of myself. I researched more into
what PCOS is and how it is directly effecting my body, my anxiety, and my
emotional state. Every youtube video I watched of women doing either the
PCOS Diet, the Low Amylose Diet, Gluten Free, Paleo Diet, Vegan, or
Vegan Raw Diet has been successful in not only regulating their cycles
naturally but also curing their PCOS and having children. Every woman I
saw testified to the diet they were doing and how much better they feel inside and out and I just got more motivated to do that for myself. 

I want to feel good and reduce my anxiety. I'm tired of being tired! And I want to have a good life, a healthy life. I watched a really awesome video that I will
put a link to that makes you question what kind of standard you are
giving yourself. Are you living up to your standards? And I thought
about this and the simple and quick answer was no. I do not hold myself
to any standard. I don't put my needs first, I ignore them and suppress
them. I don't challenge my mind or my body in any way. I try to do things
so that I don't have anxiety like drive or work but that doesn't make
me happy. Not being able to drive without anxiety or work without anxiety
makes me sad. And I don't try to overcome it I just try to avoid that. I
don't try to make myself healthy. I didn't think that I was good enough
to be a Vegan or anything like that. I just assumed that I couldn't do
it and that its not a good way to live. 

I have been very ignorant about a lot of diets like going gluten free or
being vegan. But I don't know anything about the matter I just assumed
that I was having a better life by eating meat and processed foods and
sugars. But I am not healthy or happy. They are. So who is really living
the better life?

I also did not think that I could do it. I don't know how to eat without sugar,
gluten, potatoes, and corn. I honestly don't know what I'm going to
cook or eat but I'm going to try and I'm holding myself to a higher
standard. And that is why I am going to do this diet, for myself. Yes it
is going to be very difficult. Yes I am going to have some bad days.
But in 3 months I KNOW that I will feel so much better. 

So to anyone out there reading this, ask yourself about your standard. Do
you have a standard? Are you holding yourself to that standard? Why not?
So I challenge anyone out there to start that change. Start helping
yourself instead of pretending like you don't have problems. Stop settling for a bad life. Make the decision today to choose YOU. 



 

Motivation Monday: Time to get real.

Hello blogfriends, 

As you can see from the title, things are about to get real in my life. As you can see from my previous posts, I suffer from anxiety and depression. Its something that I have dealt with for 10 years now. 

Having depression and having zero self-worth meant that I have never put myself first. I created a wall around me both literally and figuratively. The last time I remember actually being happy in my skin was 2nd grade. I was happy and didn't care about what people thought about me or my body. It wasn't a thing yet to be self-conscious or different. We were all just kids trying to have fun. 

Shit hit the fan in my life when my family moved and I went to a new school in 3rd grade. My step-father was bi-polar and self medicated with alcohol. It was at this age that it became very apparent. My childhood memories include being home alone, a lot, and  being very scared. I didn't know what my dad was capable of and when he was drinking he was very violent and loud. My mom worked 45 minutes away from home and the responsibility of watching my sister was all on me. Being a child and having to take care of a baby really messed me up. It messed up my relationship with my sister as well because I became her parent in so many ways. 

I often did not have anyone to talk to or turn to. Except food of course. I was home alone all day and food...food made me feel better. It has always been my drug of choice. I built up a wall of fat around myself because I needed protection. I didn't want people looking at me, talking to me, liking me, I just wanted to be invisible to everyone. I went through a lot of emotional abuse, sometimes physical. This was my life for a long time. 

I became overweight as well as my mother. She separated and divorced. I just want to say though, I did love my step-dad. I knew that he was not in control of his addiction but he loved me and he was always there for me. He was the one person who told me I was beautiful in my life. He passed away in 2012 and it was/is still really hard. I find myself wishing I could still talk to him but everything happens for a reason and as much as I accept that, it still hurts sometimes.

When I was 15 my biological dad decided to reach out. I had never known him and never thought I would, ever. He was always my mom's true and first love. After a couple years they decided to get back together and we all chose to try out this family thing again. My mother found a reason to get healthy. My senior year of high school she and I would go walk at a really awesome park that had insane hills. She lost a lot of weight. A lot.  She was healthy and in the best shape of her life. I was also having a good time in my weight lifting class and working out with her. I didn't notice it at first but one day I looked in the mirror and I saw that my body was different. I was actually sort of slim. Not where I wanted to be but I looked good. But I was still blinded by insecurity and no self-worth. I ignored the people around me telling me that I looked good because I didn't feel good. I still was that fat insecure girl on the inside and that's what they don't tell you. Losing weight is only half the battle. You still have to face your inner demons. 

Flash forward to today, 3 years after high school.  I started dating the love of my life and got too comfortable. I am at the biggest weight I have ever been, my anxiety has skyrocketed, I have no job, and no self-worth. I don't look in the mirror and feel happy. I feel bad all the time, I have no energy, and I have almost no clothes left that fit. I look at myself and think, God I am 21 years old and so unhealthy that I can't enjoy it. 

I want certain things in my life and they can't happen. I want to go clothes shopping and buy anything I see that is cute and not have to shamefully shop in the plus sized section, I want to have a child, I want to be healthy. I  have kept telling myself for over 10 years that I will get healthy.
Well today got real for me. 

After going through this year I  have decided that I am missing something in my life. A baby. Its not that I just want to have one because they are cute and whatever...its a much deeper need. I feel like I'm missing a puzzle piece, that my life is incomplete. I want to be a mother. I want to raise a child and be that role. I want to have a family. I have wanted this for a long time but now that i'm getting older I feel it so much more now. I have dreams about it, I become instantly sad when I see people I know who are pregnant. I know that I will be an amazing mom. There are people out there who say, "oh you can't possibly know that, having kids isn't what you think, its really hard..." I KNOW that I am going to be a good mom. I KNOW that having a baby doesn't solve all my problems, and I KNOW that it will be hard. 

TMI warning!

My whole life I have never had a regular period. In 2013 they stopped all together. I took birth control for a year and had regular periods. Some of the good things that happened was my acne went away and my hair was healthier. However, I had a yeast infection every month, a week before each cycle. I was miserable and in pain almost everyday. I stopped the birth control a month ago and the pain has gone. But, my face has broken out and my hair has started to fall out again. The doctor I went to gave me little help or explanation but wrote me off having PCOS. 

She told me that If I lose weight I will get a cycle again. Though I know that its not going to be that simple or easy. 

Well now its 2015 and all I have managed to do is gain weight and dig myself deeper into the self-pity hole. I want to have kids in a couple years and to do that, I need to be healthy, happy, and have a cycle. So I began to research my options and I found a plan. That plan however requires me to have a lifestyle change. I want to stop making excuses for myself. I want to be happy 6 months from now when iv'e reached my goal weight loss. I'm tired of wasting my time on this earth unhappy. I'm only going to be in my 20's once and I'm sitting around wasting my good years. I am going to take control of my life. Today is the day I stop making excuses. Its going to be hard. So hard. Food has been there for me when no one else has. But I want to start a family and feel happy about myself. That is something that food cannot give me. So I am breaking up with junk food for good. I have a plan and i'm going to do it. I have to. Its time to be real with myself. 

I'm sorry for the long post, if any of you made it to the end, thank you for reading. 

Catching Up

Hello everyone out there in blog land that actually reads this blog!

I have been gone for a couple months now because my life kind of got really busy, really fast.

Last month I was able to go to Florida and visit with my parents and sister
for about 3-4 weeks. My brother and boyfriend were with me in the
beginning of the trip for about five days and then they had to go back
home and go back to work. So I stayed a little longer to catch up with
my family and I really needed that little break from my life to come
back to sanity a little bit.

I feel so thankful for everything that has happened in the last year.
Every challenge I have had to face head on definitely has brought me into a
good place today. I am a firm believer in a lot of bad things happening and then finally, at the end of that upward battle, there is a long awaited moment of
peace and happiness. I feel that is just how life works. That bad things we go through happen so we can grow as a person and realize that we are strong and can get through a lot of shitty things and come out on top.

Right now I am in a very good place.

It feels very odd and foreign for me to be able to say that I am content.

And maybe that's the way it is with other people who have depression,
anxiety, or other mental illnesses. Its very rare that I feel in control
in my life. 

Its not like all my problems have disappeared over night because they haven't.

I still have things that need to get done but right now, everything is okay.

I look back at the last year of my life and it was absolute chaos. I felt
like I was drowning in my own self-pity and lack of self-worth. I had almost zero confidence in myself of what I was doing. The guilt that I felt was overwhelming and it really brought me down and I know that it brought Rob down with me at times. 

Now that the dust has settled, I can see just how strong Rob and I are and how strong we are as a couple. I don't think there's a lot of young people today in relationships that can go through what we have and come out even more in love that before we started.

I am so thankful to have a partner that is so patient with me and my struggles.

He would do anything for me and I honestly don't know why I deserve someone so special in my life. But I also realized that I wasn't giving myself enough credit because Rob is the person he is today because of me always encouraging him and pushing him to find his true potential.

We both continue to grow with each other every day and I am so happy that we are able to just mesh together the way we do.

I owe a lot of my new happiness to his strength in me.

Tomorrow I may not feel as happy or content like I do today but I am happy to have had at least one day that made me feel this.

Its a really special gift that I don't take for granted.

School is starting tomorrow and I know that it will cause me stress and anxiety but I will get through it. And I will continue to choose to work on being happy than to sit and dwell about everything that is bad in my life.

Marvelous Monday!

Today is a great start for the rest of the week! 

I got Charlie's blood work and lab test results and everything came back normal and looking good. So hopefully as we keep giving him his prescribed diet and medication his body should heal. Which is a very be chunk of stress that was sitting on my chest lifted. Also, Rob and I have potentially found a car, finally! So today has been very overwhelming in the best sense.

Things in life tend to pile up around us and it feels like we are suffocating. But sometimes we just have to wait for life to work itself out and point us in the right direction. Which is not easy at all but well rewarding. I knew that the day would come when things would start to settle and today is that day. Now i'm several steps closer to helping myself get back in order. I can focus on my diet again and catch back up on homework. 

Human emotions are extremely complicated. For example, my brother was really bummed out and mad at me for not spending time with him on Easter. Apparently he was trying to hint to me that he really needed to spend time with what family he had (since our parents and sister recently moved to Florida)  but I didn't get any of his hints and was oblivious to the whole situation. I was still until I was told by his girlfriend that he was upset today.

What I don't understand is if you really wanted something from me, whether it be my time or something else, just tell me outright. Had he just said that he really wanted me to come to dinner with him just to talk, I would have come. But now i'm left feeling bad and I shouldn't because there's nothing I could have done at the time. 

So to anyone reading this, if you are wanting something from a loved one, a friend, or family member, just ask them. Communicate. Because there's a chance that they aren't going to understand your "hints".

I know first hand that expressing yourself can be difficult but if you feel that badly, not telling someone what's going on is going to just hurt you even more. 

Reaching out to people who you trust and who are going through similar things that you are is the first step at solving the problem and getting through the hard time.