Marvelous Monday!

Today is a great start for the rest of the week! 

I got Charlie's blood work and lab test results and everything came back normal and looking good. So hopefully as we keep giving him his prescribed diet and medication his body should heal. Which is a very be chunk of stress that was sitting on my chest lifted. Also, Rob and I have potentially found a car, finally! So today has been very overwhelming in the best sense.

Things in life tend to pile up around us and it feels like we are suffocating. But sometimes we just have to wait for life to work itself out and point us in the right direction. Which is not easy at all but well rewarding. I knew that the day would come when things would start to settle and today is that day. Now i'm several steps closer to helping myself get back in order. I can focus on my diet again and catch back up on homework. 

Human emotions are extremely complicated. For example, my brother was really bummed out and mad at me for not spending time with him on Easter. Apparently he was trying to hint to me that he really needed to spend time with what family he had (since our parents and sister recently moved to Florida)  but I didn't get any of his hints and was oblivious to the whole situation. I was still until I was told by his girlfriend that he was upset today.

What I don't understand is if you really wanted something from me, whether it be my time or something else, just tell me outright. Had he just said that he really wanted me to come to dinner with him just to talk, I would have come. But now i'm left feeling bad and I shouldn't because there's nothing I could have done at the time. 

So to anyone reading this, if you are wanting something from a loved one, a friend, or family member, just ask them. Communicate. Because there's a chance that they aren't going to understand your "hints".

I know first hand that expressing yourself can be difficult but if you feel that badly, not telling someone what's going on is going to just hurt you even more. 

Reaching out to people who you trust and who are going through similar things that you are is the first step at solving the problem and getting through the hard time.

Tarriance Thursday!

I have hit a wall trying to write my geography paper and could feel the anxiety start to creep around so I am taking a break!

I went back and read some posts from my old blog, around the time I was in Jr. High and High School. I wrote a lot of dark things and overall the whole blog was kind of depressing. I don't want this blog to be a sad one but I also don't want to lie about my feelings. So today I feel a lot like this:

Mostly just because of the mountain of homework I need to get done but I have zero motivation to do any of it....

I tried to go to bed last night around midnight and I ended up just laying there feeling completely awake. So I stayed up as per usual and went to bed around 3 am. Insomnia is a tough habit to break. I might have to invest in sleeping pills. But those just end up making me feel tired in the morning. HA. I feel tired every morning so I guess it doesn't actually matter then.

I think that people often forget that anxiety can be just as much as a physical strain as it is a mental one. I'm constantly feeling the effects of fatigue, no motivation, headaches, fast heartbeat, and body aches. I just feel so exhausted all the time! I know that I need to get up and do some exercises but the thought of doing them makes me kinda sick to my stomach. But I'll feel better after I do some. The tricky part is getting out of bed. 

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because I have to take Charlie to the vet and I know I'm going to have a panic attack from being there. I don't know what it is about being in a place that has doctors. I think its scary because when you go to the doctor you have the chance of coming back a lot worse off than you thought you were. Having already been under a lot of stress I don't know how much more I can handle. I just pray that he is going to be okay. 

Now i'm going to go try and finish up this paper....

UGH.

Wholesome Wednesday

Wholesome: conducive to or suggestive of good health and physical well-being.

I would like to be wholesome. But I don't just want to have a physical well-being, I want serenity. 

Growing up Catholic I learned many prayers and though I am not a religious person these days, I still find comfort in them. I especially enjoy this prayer because often with anxiety comes worries and hopelessness of the future. Its something that is unattainable and we cannot control it. The only thing we can do is make everyday count and trust ourselves to make the best decisions for us. I often feel like I'm floating in the ocean. And in this giant ocean I am drifting about my life. I don't know whats coming, big waves that will try and knock me over and drown me, smaller waves that produce meaningful experiences, or stagnant waters. I am constantly being pulled by the current and I have to trust that I am going in the right direction. I can't control the waves, just how I to react to them.

As far as what that current is, I don't know. Some people believe our lives are already planned out for us by God and others think we create our own destinies.  I believe that its a combination of both. I was put in this specific spot in my own ocean and its only going in one direction. But, I have an entire ocean to swim in. I have space for my decisions but there are things that I cannot not change. And things that I can. That is why this is an important prayer. 

Anyone living with a mental illness has to find the courage in them to ask for help, talk to friends. and not let people make you feel ashamed of who you are because at the end of the day, we are who we are. And no one chooses to struggle the way we do.

I recently found these cartoon version of mental illness monsters by Toby Allen. I thought they were pretty amazing and thought that I would share a couple of them.

I think they are beautiful and accurately depict what its like to live with my demons in my head.

They are hurtful and painful but they are also such a big part of who I am today so I like that they are depicted as creatures of the mind.

You can find more of his artwork here:

 http://zestydoesthings.tumblr.com/

Heres to a better tomorrow.

Terrific Tuesday?

So today.

Today was not a good day.

I couldn't shake the feeling of nausea and fatigue. Just one of those days where it feels like you are trying to run away from yourself but you can't quite make it past, just lagging behind never catching a break.  

I'm not sure if it is because I didn't follow my diet, or just too much thinking on my part. I tried to move past my thoughts but overall I got tired of fighting with myself. I know also have the money I need to see a doctor about my anxiety. But I'm terrified. I don't know what to say...how to say it. I think one of my biggest fears is that people aren't going to believe me when I say i'm struggling. But I can't even hardly drive a car with out freaking out. I just want to enjoy my life. I don't want to be helpless. I want to be able to leave the house without a second thought or mental preparation. I just want to get through everything. 

I feel so lost. And helpless. I don't think I can do this alone. I know I can't do it alone. And I'm scared that I will never be strong enough and I don't know what that means for my future. I don't want to be medicated but I do at the same time. I just don't want to be a walking zombie. But a walking time bomb isn't nice either. So I have to choose whats going to be better. 

All I want to do is stay in my own little bubble. But I know that I can't live that way.

I guess I really don't know what to do. 

 

Happy - Natasha Bedingfield Lyrics Video

Motivation Monday

Today has been a good day so far. I am still trying to force myself to do mind-numbing homework but other than that I have not had any anxiety today. Its days like this that make me ask myself why I can't go out and get a job or go walk around stores? Obviously I'm doing okay! But even though I have good days and bad days, I need to remember that I still have a lot of work to do but having a good day makes me want to keep trying.

So today I am thankful for a day of peace.

It could all go to shit in an hour but i'm okay with that.

Dieting I think is helping my confidence. But I will say that it is terribly hard to not overeat. Not because I just love food so much but because it is my security blanket of sorts. It makes me feel whole and happy. Like if i'm sitting here eating then my mind takes it as "Hey, you must be doing pretty good. No need for any worries or panic right now." So I have to fight myself on going to the kitchen and just saying oh screw it and stuff myself until i'm sick. I know that it will give me INSTANT gratification but I know how bad i'm going to feel 5 minutes after and I can't afford to let myself feel like that.

I also think that now that I have a firmer grasp on what exactly anxiety is, I feel slightly more in control and well, not as alienated. I always knew that I had anxiety attacks and fear of people judging me, but I didn't realize that there are multiple types of anxiety such as Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety, Phobias, and PTSD. So a lot of things clicked in my head when I read more about my social problems with driving and working customer service. I have social anxiety! So that is why the thought of getting a job where I have to be face to face with people makes me want to hide under a rock. 

My plan is to go see a mental health doctor and get medicated but in the meantime I still need to get it back under control and that is with eating better, sleeping more, and exercising. 

I did try to do yoga today and it was rather comical at best...but I did feel a sensation of calmness spread through my chest. I think most people hold their anxiety in their chest area. So when I was able to stretch and just kind of let go for a few minutes, a lot of the pressure built up and gave way. So I'm going to try and do that more.

My goals for the week are:

1. Go to bed at a reasonable time. I'm going to aim for 12 am.
2. Get out of bed at a reasonable time. Before 9;00am
3. Eat a healthy breakfast.
4. Do yoga.
5. Make a schedule for the day-homework, eating, breaks.
6. Make all meals healthy and follow eating plan.
7. Drink 3 glasses of water a day at least.

So here's to following goals!!

To be young

Today was one of those really slow days where you feel like you have accomplished absolutely nothing but at the same time you have no desire to do anything. I guess what you can call a typical Sunday. Rob went to Church for the better part of the morning. I thought I was doing good-I got up around 8:30, fed Charlie, ate a healthy breakfast of two over easy eggs and toast, took a shower, and to my surprise had gotten all of this done by 10:30 am! I'm either just getting out of bed or still asleep around this time due to my insomnia keeping me up until late hours of the night..er morning I guess. 

However, as soon as I got out of the shower I laid down in my bed to let my hair dry a bit longer. The next thing I know I am fast asleep and I woke up around 1:00 pm because Rob was calling me to tell me he was on his way home! I did feel a lot like a failure. I was going to work on homework or get things done, possible find a car to go look out, maybe go to the local festival. But no. I was just so tired. Im guessing because I went to bed around 3 am and got up just 5 hours later. 

For the rest of the evening I had no motivation to do homework and really just wanted to enjoy doing nothing with the presence of Rob. But we did get really really bored so we decided to rearrange our bedroom. Which was kinda fun. I'm still getting used to the layout though, it might have to grown on me for a bit.

I kept thinking to myself throughout the day of how much I just wanted to be a kid again. To just run outside and play in sprinklers, play with friends, make up ridiculous games, get excited about the weekend, and walk into my newly spruced up room and get that really happy excited feeling you know? I used to get it when I was younger after my mom and I would spend an afternoon cleaning and reorganizing my room. The feeling like "Yes this is my space and Its just the way I like it, its perfect, its mine. Life is good."

But Its too often now that so many good things get pushed back because of everything else getting in the way. As much as i am happy about the new fresh look, there are still so many adult problems in my life that probably will never go away. Children don't realize how amazing it is to be care free and have an incredible imagination because It all goes away. We don't even get half of our lifetime to enjoy it. Just a mere 10-13 years. I just kept wishing for an ounce of wonderment. Just a little spark to let me know i'm still a curious and free person. But I guess we don't get to have those luxuries anymore. And yet when we are young all we wish for is independence, responsibility, and to be an adult. We have no idea at the time just how stupid of a wish that is. Because I wish I could be a kid forever. Take me Peter Pan!! On a lighter note, this is my handsome boy Charlie.