Its all possible

I don't know what it is about trying to do homework but its really horrible.I guess because I have zero motivation or focus so I find it hard to sit and read a textbook and ask myself why even half of this information is relevant to my life. Though I guess geography is something everything should probably learn...

I am trying to do things that my mind and body fight me on. I am trying to eat better and do more school work. Also more physical activities. And its not like they are extremely difficult things to do. Food is definitely the hardest part. Food is my comfort. It makes me feel better in almost every single situation I have been in. When I'm happy? Eat! When I'm having a bad day? Eat! When I'm trying to suppress my anxiety and worries? EAT. 

So for me I have a very strong bond with food and my anxiety. They didn't go hand in hand until I wasn't medicated anymore. Then I found a new drug and its name is sugar. But unfortunately it has had its effects on me and now I need to lose the weight. I am so terrified of being diabetic. Like it literally makes me depressed and so scared. But for so long I just brushed it off and kept eating my feelings because I really have no other way to cope. But now that I think that I am at least pre-diabetic its time to change my life. So today I am counting my calories and hoping for the best.

Like I said before my anxiety is perpetual because I get scared of having this disease but I'm also scared of seeing a doctor, leaving the house, working out, and feeling hungry because I don't want to pass out and die. 

And as irrational as I know I am being...I can't help it. Which is why anxiety is so. damn. frustrating. I know how stupid I sound in my own mind but I can't help it. Its almost like having two people living in your  head but one is dominant and that's the one you want to just shut up for five minutes!

But I'm going to try.

I have to.

For myself and my mental health.

The Beginning...

As with most things in life, there is a beginning to everything. I have always viewed my anxiety and panic disorder as the end. I have no job and no prospects of getting a job. Anxiety is perpetual because you need to do things like go to work, go to school, be social, be normal. And in order to do these things you have to be able to get out your own mind.

When you have anxiety, the best thing you can do is fight and live. But when you get to a certain point, like I have, and you can't leave the house to go to work or be with friends, you can't get better. And you won't get better. You will get worse. 

I can't go workout to help my anxiety because working out gives me anxiety. All I will be able to think about is

"Oh my God, i'm going to faint. I'm going to faint in front of these strangers. What if I have a heart attack? What if I have a panic attack and have to be rushed to the doctor. If I go to the doctor then I will  have a panic attack. I can't panic right now. Oh God. I'm panicking. STOP PANICKING! YOU'RE FINE!"

Which just leaves me mentally and emotionally drained. I won't be able to finish working out and I will become again depressed at how low my life has gotten and how I can't do anything to stop it, how my life is going to be  forever perpetually miserable and give me an early grave.

But I don't tell people that I have anxiety because it ALWAYS sounds like a pathetic excuse to sit at home all day or complain about all the mediocre things in your life. People don't actually realize that its a disorder like any other disorder and I physically, mentally, and emotionally, can't get rid of it.

It will always be apart of me and has been since I was 12.

I would do anything to be able to live without anxiety. Because then I could drive, work, go to any social gathering site like the mall, a concert, a movie, a store etc.

I could do everything and I would be happy because I wouldn't be a loser who has to sit at home and go to school online because shes too messed up to live a normal life.

I guess I wanted to write this because maybe I could find a place to vent or meet people like me who can relate and understand me.