Marvelous Monday!

Today is a great start for the rest of the week! 

I got Charlie's blood work and lab test results and everything came back normal and looking good. So hopefully as we keep giving him his prescribed diet and medication his body should heal. Which is a very be chunk of stress that was sitting on my chest lifted. Also, Rob and I have potentially found a car, finally! So today has been very overwhelming in the best sense.

Things in life tend to pile up around us and it feels like we are suffocating. But sometimes we just have to wait for life to work itself out and point us in the right direction. Which is not easy at all but well rewarding. I knew that the day would come when things would start to settle and today is that day. Now i'm several steps closer to helping myself get back in order. I can focus on my diet again and catch back up on homework. 

Human emotions are extremely complicated. For example, my brother was really bummed out and mad at me for not spending time with him on Easter. Apparently he was trying to hint to me that he really needed to spend time with what family he had (since our parents and sister recently moved to Florida)  but I didn't get any of his hints and was oblivious to the whole situation. I was still until I was told by his girlfriend that he was upset today.

What I don't understand is if you really wanted something from me, whether it be my time or something else, just tell me outright. Had he just said that he really wanted me to come to dinner with him just to talk, I would have come. But now i'm left feeling bad and I shouldn't because there's nothing I could have done at the time. 

So to anyone reading this, if you are wanting something from a loved one, a friend, or family member, just ask them. Communicate. Because there's a chance that they aren't going to understand your "hints".

I know first hand that expressing yourself can be difficult but if you feel that badly, not telling someone what's going on is going to just hurt you even more. 

Reaching out to people who you trust and who are going through similar things that you are is the first step at solving the problem and getting through the hard time.

Tarriance Thursday!

I have hit a wall trying to write my geography paper and could feel the anxiety start to creep around so I am taking a break!

I went back and read some posts from my old blog, around the time I was in Jr. High and High School. I wrote a lot of dark things and overall the whole blog was kind of depressing. I don't want this blog to be a sad one but I also don't want to lie about my feelings. So today I feel a lot like this:

Mostly just because of the mountain of homework I need to get done but I have zero motivation to do any of it....

I tried to go to bed last night around midnight and I ended up just laying there feeling completely awake. So I stayed up as per usual and went to bed around 3 am. Insomnia is a tough habit to break. I might have to invest in sleeping pills. But those just end up making me feel tired in the morning. HA. I feel tired every morning so I guess it doesn't actually matter then.

I think that people often forget that anxiety can be just as much as a physical strain as it is a mental one. I'm constantly feeling the effects of fatigue, no motivation, headaches, fast heartbeat, and body aches. I just feel so exhausted all the time! I know that I need to get up and do some exercises but the thought of doing them makes me kinda sick to my stomach. But I'll feel better after I do some. The tricky part is getting out of bed. 

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because I have to take Charlie to the vet and I know I'm going to have a panic attack from being there. I don't know what it is about being in a place that has doctors. I think its scary because when you go to the doctor you have the chance of coming back a lot worse off than you thought you were. Having already been under a lot of stress I don't know how much more I can handle. I just pray that he is going to be okay. 

Now i'm going to go try and finish up this paper....

UGH.

Wholesome Wednesday

Wholesome: conducive to or suggestive of good health and physical well-being.

I would like to be wholesome. But I don't just want to have a physical well-being, I want serenity. 

Growing up Catholic I learned many prayers and though I am not a religious person these days, I still find comfort in them. I especially enjoy this prayer because often with anxiety comes worries and hopelessness of the future. Its something that is unattainable and we cannot control it. The only thing we can do is make everyday count and trust ourselves to make the best decisions for us. I often feel like I'm floating in the ocean. And in this giant ocean I am drifting about my life. I don't know whats coming, big waves that will try and knock me over and drown me, smaller waves that produce meaningful experiences, or stagnant waters. I am constantly being pulled by the current and I have to trust that I am going in the right direction. I can't control the waves, just how I to react to them.

As far as what that current is, I don't know. Some people believe our lives are already planned out for us by God and others think we create our own destinies.  I believe that its a combination of both. I was put in this specific spot in my own ocean and its only going in one direction. But, I have an entire ocean to swim in. I have space for my decisions but there are things that I cannot not change. And things that I can. That is why this is an important prayer. 

Anyone living with a mental illness has to find the courage in them to ask for help, talk to friends. and not let people make you feel ashamed of who you are because at the end of the day, we are who we are. And no one chooses to struggle the way we do.

I recently found these cartoon version of mental illness monsters by Toby Allen. I thought they were pretty amazing and thought that I would share a couple of them.

I think they are beautiful and accurately depict what its like to live with my demons in my head.

They are hurtful and painful but they are also such a big part of who I am today so I like that they are depicted as creatures of the mind.

You can find more of his artwork here:

 http://zestydoesthings.tumblr.com/

Heres to a better tomorrow.