Terrific Tuesday?

So today.

Today was not a good day.

I couldn't shake the feeling of nausea and fatigue. Just one of those days where it feels like you are trying to run away from yourself but you can't quite make it past, just lagging behind never catching a break.  

I'm not sure if it is because I didn't follow my diet, or just too much thinking on my part. I tried to move past my thoughts but overall I got tired of fighting with myself. I know also have the money I need to see a doctor about my anxiety. But I'm terrified. I don't know what to say...how to say it. I think one of my biggest fears is that people aren't going to believe me when I say i'm struggling. But I can't even hardly drive a car with out freaking out. I just want to enjoy my life. I don't want to be helpless. I want to be able to leave the house without a second thought or mental preparation. I just want to get through everything. 

I feel so lost. And helpless. I don't think I can do this alone. I know I can't do it alone. And I'm scared that I will never be strong enough and I don't know what that means for my future. I don't want to be medicated but I do at the same time. I just don't want to be a walking zombie. But a walking time bomb isn't nice either. So I have to choose whats going to be better. 

All I want to do is stay in my own little bubble. But I know that I can't live that way.

I guess I really don't know what to do. 

 

Happy - Natasha Bedingfield Lyrics Video

Motivation Monday

Today has been a good day so far. I am still trying to force myself to do mind-numbing homework but other than that I have not had any anxiety today. Its days like this that make me ask myself why I can't go out and get a job or go walk around stores? Obviously I'm doing okay! But even though I have good days and bad days, I need to remember that I still have a lot of work to do but having a good day makes me want to keep trying.

So today I am thankful for a day of peace.

It could all go to shit in an hour but i'm okay with that.

Dieting I think is helping my confidence. But I will say that it is terribly hard to not overeat. Not because I just love food so much but because it is my security blanket of sorts. It makes me feel whole and happy. Like if i'm sitting here eating then my mind takes it as "Hey, you must be doing pretty good. No need for any worries or panic right now." So I have to fight myself on going to the kitchen and just saying oh screw it and stuff myself until i'm sick. I know that it will give me INSTANT gratification but I know how bad i'm going to feel 5 minutes after and I can't afford to let myself feel like that.

I also think that now that I have a firmer grasp on what exactly anxiety is, I feel slightly more in control and well, not as alienated. I always knew that I had anxiety attacks and fear of people judging me, but I didn't realize that there are multiple types of anxiety such as Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety, Phobias, and PTSD. So a lot of things clicked in my head when I read more about my social problems with driving and working customer service. I have social anxiety! So that is why the thought of getting a job where I have to be face to face with people makes me want to hide under a rock. 

My plan is to go see a mental health doctor and get medicated but in the meantime I still need to get it back under control and that is with eating better, sleeping more, and exercising. 

I did try to do yoga today and it was rather comical at best...but I did feel a sensation of calmness spread through my chest. I think most people hold their anxiety in their chest area. So when I was able to stretch and just kind of let go for a few minutes, a lot of the pressure built up and gave way. So I'm going to try and do that more.

My goals for the week are:

1. Go to bed at a reasonable time. I'm going to aim for 12 am.
2. Get out of bed at a reasonable time. Before 9;00am
3. Eat a healthy breakfast.
4. Do yoga.
5. Make a schedule for the day-homework, eating, breaks.
6. Make all meals healthy and follow eating plan.
7. Drink 3 glasses of water a day at least.

So here's to following goals!!

To be young

Today was one of those really slow days where you feel like you have accomplished absolutely nothing but at the same time you have no desire to do anything. I guess what you can call a typical Sunday. Rob went to Church for the better part of the morning. I thought I was doing good-I got up around 8:30, fed Charlie, ate a healthy breakfast of two over easy eggs and toast, took a shower, and to my surprise had gotten all of this done by 10:30 am! I'm either just getting out of bed or still asleep around this time due to my insomnia keeping me up until late hours of the night..er morning I guess. 

However, as soon as I got out of the shower I laid down in my bed to let my hair dry a bit longer. The next thing I know I am fast asleep and I woke up around 1:00 pm because Rob was calling me to tell me he was on his way home! I did feel a lot like a failure. I was going to work on homework or get things done, possible find a car to go look out, maybe go to the local festival. But no. I was just so tired. Im guessing because I went to bed around 3 am and got up just 5 hours later. 

For the rest of the evening I had no motivation to do homework and really just wanted to enjoy doing nothing with the presence of Rob. But we did get really really bored so we decided to rearrange our bedroom. Which was kinda fun. I'm still getting used to the layout though, it might have to grown on me for a bit.

I kept thinking to myself throughout the day of how much I just wanted to be a kid again. To just run outside and play in sprinklers, play with friends, make up ridiculous games, get excited about the weekend, and walk into my newly spruced up room and get that really happy excited feeling you know? I used to get it when I was younger after my mom and I would spend an afternoon cleaning and reorganizing my room. The feeling like "Yes this is my space and Its just the way I like it, its perfect, its mine. Life is good."

But Its too often now that so many good things get pushed back because of everything else getting in the way. As much as i am happy about the new fresh look, there are still so many adult problems in my life that probably will never go away. Children don't realize how amazing it is to be care free and have an incredible imagination because It all goes away. We don't even get half of our lifetime to enjoy it. Just a mere 10-13 years. I just kept wishing for an ounce of wonderment. Just a little spark to let me know i'm still a curious and free person. But I guess we don't get to have those luxuries anymore. And yet when we are young all we wish for is independence, responsibility, and to be an adult. We have no idea at the time just how stupid of a wish that is. Because I wish I could be a kid forever. Take me Peter Pan!! On a lighter note, this is my handsome boy Charlie.

  

Its all possible

I don't know what it is about trying to do homework but its really horrible.I guess because I have zero motivation or focus so I find it hard to sit and read a textbook and ask myself why even half of this information is relevant to my life. Though I guess geography is something everything should probably learn...

I am trying to do things that my mind and body fight me on. I am trying to eat better and do more school work. Also more physical activities. And its not like they are extremely difficult things to do. Food is definitely the hardest part. Food is my comfort. It makes me feel better in almost every single situation I have been in. When I'm happy? Eat! When I'm having a bad day? Eat! When I'm trying to suppress my anxiety and worries? EAT. 

So for me I have a very strong bond with food and my anxiety. They didn't go hand in hand until I wasn't medicated anymore. Then I found a new drug and its name is sugar. But unfortunately it has had its effects on me and now I need to lose the weight. I am so terrified of being diabetic. Like it literally makes me depressed and so scared. But for so long I just brushed it off and kept eating my feelings because I really have no other way to cope. But now that I think that I am at least pre-diabetic its time to change my life. So today I am counting my calories and hoping for the best.

Like I said before my anxiety is perpetual because I get scared of having this disease but I'm also scared of seeing a doctor, leaving the house, working out, and feeling hungry because I don't want to pass out and die. 

And as irrational as I know I am being...I can't help it. Which is why anxiety is so. damn. frustrating. I know how stupid I sound in my own mind but I can't help it. Its almost like having two people living in your  head but one is dominant and that's the one you want to just shut up for five minutes!

But I'm going to try.

I have to.

For myself and my mental health.

The Beginning...

As with most things in life, there is a beginning to everything. I have always viewed my anxiety and panic disorder as the end. I have no job and no prospects of getting a job. Anxiety is perpetual because you need to do things like go to work, go to school, be social, be normal. And in order to do these things you have to be able to get out your own mind.

When you have anxiety, the best thing you can do is fight and live. But when you get to a certain point, like I have, and you can't leave the house to go to work or be with friends, you can't get better. And you won't get better. You will get worse. 

I can't go workout to help my anxiety because working out gives me anxiety. All I will be able to think about is

"Oh my God, i'm going to faint. I'm going to faint in front of these strangers. What if I have a heart attack? What if I have a panic attack and have to be rushed to the doctor. If I go to the doctor then I will  have a panic attack. I can't panic right now. Oh God. I'm panicking. STOP PANICKING! YOU'RE FINE!"

Which just leaves me mentally and emotionally drained. I won't be able to finish working out and I will become again depressed at how low my life has gotten and how I can't do anything to stop it, how my life is going to be  forever perpetually miserable and give me an early grave.

But I don't tell people that I have anxiety because it ALWAYS sounds like a pathetic excuse to sit at home all day or complain about all the mediocre things in your life. People don't actually realize that its a disorder like any other disorder and I physically, mentally, and emotionally, can't get rid of it.

It will always be apart of me and has been since I was 12.

I would do anything to be able to live without anxiety. Because then I could drive, work, go to any social gathering site like the mall, a concert, a movie, a store etc.

I could do everything and I would be happy because I wouldn't be a loser who has to sit at home and go to school online because shes too messed up to live a normal life.

I guess I wanted to write this because maybe I could find a place to vent or meet people like me who can relate and understand me.