We're all in some kind of relationship. Whether it's with our parents, siblings, family, friends, lovers, or ourselves, we are in a relationship. I feel like I never really connected with my family or friends. I blame myself for some of that but also a lot on the other person.
My mother and I were close when I was in high school. Before that we never got a long. Now we stay in touch but sometimes I don't know what to say to her on the phone.
I can deal with my family. I have come to accept that they won't really ever truly understand me. But the biggest thing that I hate is my lack of friends. I don't know what it is about me that screams "stay away" but I've never really had friends. The last time I remember feeling like I was liked was in second grade. Even then, I was still a little shit when I hung out with a certain girl. She was a bad influence... we were all still young though. No one really disliked me. When I moved away for third grade my new school was all about popularity. I was an outcast on day 1. I found a friend who kind of understood me. For a few years we dealt with not being the most popular people. I moved again in 6th grade. I was surrounded by a bunch of people who were very involved with the church. I made one friend. She stayed my friend until the end of high school. I made a few friends during those years. One I still talk to. I consider her to be my best friend but now that she has two kids... we never talk about anything other than that. We don't see each other because I moved 2,000 miles away.
I feel like I have always been a great friend. The friend that will come to you in when you need it most, who will give you a bed to sleep on, a shoulder to cry on, I will call you first, text you a wall of text trying to help, i'll "tag" you in funny things, and i'll try my best to help. But when it comes to me being in need, no one is there for me. And I mean no one. My boyfriend is really the closest thing I have to a best friend. He's great. He listens to me and my problems. But he has no clue on how to help me. He doesn't know how to give advice, offer solutions, or give words of encouragement. He has no idea how to be that person. Which is very hard for me. I want to tell him everything and I do. But he can't really be there for me.
I guess i've come to accept that I don't have that friend. And I probably will never have a friend who will care about me as much as I do them. I think I'm done trying to help my friends. I honestly think they don't care whether or not I help them. Tonight I was very upset and stressed out. I called on my friend who just said the other day that he'd always be there for me. I sent him a long message about what was going on. I was surprised when he gave a quick answer and seemed like I was bothering him. He basically told me he didn't know how to help. And not because this is out of his range, more like he just didn't want to try.
It really bummed me out but I kept trying to talk to him. Force the conversation. He sent one word replies and seemed disinterested. I'm just so done trying to make my relationships with people work. Sometimes I just want to delete every person who I don't talk to and be done with it. I'm also going to stop talking to someone if they aren't trying to have a conversation with me. If you don't want to talk to me, then don't. It makes me more frustrated when you pretend like you care, but don't. So when I come to you for help, you drop me flat on my face. So i'm with it. I'm done putting in the effort. If you need me, i'll be here. But i'm not going to waste my time.
I have so much to worry about with myself that I can't afford to keep trying to make it work with other people. I wish I had a best friend who would call me and ask me whats up, lets hang out, how are you feeling today? But I guess that person isn't out there for me. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference but i'm jealous. I'm jealous that my friends have someone like me. Someone they don't deserve. And I have no one.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Cheap and Easy Breakfast Sandwiches!
Breakfast the easy way
Before anyone gets any ideas... this is not my recipe!!! I am frequently on Pinterest and have seen this pin on numerous occasions. I have tried a lot of recipes on Pinterest and a lot of the time they are flops. So naturally I had to try this quick and easy recipe! Rob works early in the morning so I wanted to make something that would last and be easy to heat up in the morning. The original recipe comes from Macheesmo- Cooking with Confidence. This is a great food blog, I highly recommend it!
So let's get right into it! It took me about 20 minutes of prep time. The recipe makes 12 sandwiches so in reality, you're saving so much time in the end.
The whole recipe really is genius. These egg cups fit perfectly on English muffins and can be customized by adding in what you like to eat!
For my egg cups I added baby spinach, ground sausage, and cheese. I also spiced my eggs up because Rob loves spicy food!
I love finding recipes that are affordable and can stretch over a few meals. These days, they are hard to come by. What I love about this is that it's also healthy. It's packed with protein and veggies. You can't beat that!
I also had most of the ingredients already in my kitchen. For me breakfast can become very repetitive. Cereal, toast, eggs, and repeat. Sometimes I am so put off by the thought of having to eat breakfast, I skip it completely- not a good idea!
Once I had the sausage done, I got right into cracking 12 eggs. Which was a lot more enjoyable that it probably should have been! I added some salt, pepper, and Cajun seasoning to spice it up a bit. I was out of hot sauce unfortunately!
Another big step to this is greasing up your muffin tin with butter. The original recipe specifically asks to use this rather that vegetable spray. I used a stick and went inside each cup. I even put butter on my finger and got into all the edges.
Once your muffin tin is nice and greased up, add the baby spinach! I took off the stems and depending on their size, I put 3-4 leaves per cup.
Once the spinach was in place I took a 1/4 measuring cup and scooped in the eggs. It worked perfectly with the measuring cup and didn't make a mess. I then added the sausage crumble- a generous amount. Then topped then with some cheese.
Ta-da!! Right out of the oven!! Don't tell me these don't look absolutely delicious! They smelled so good and mouth watering. The best part? They popped right out of the tin! No fuss at all. Definitely use the butter.
Now you can wrap them up and put them in the freezer. All you have to do is put one in the microwave and then toast up the English muffin. Easy, cheap, and so yummy!!
Let me know if you guys try this recipe! Also make sure to check out Macheesmo's blog!
Prep time: 20 minutes.
Bake time: 20 minutes.
All together: 40 minutes.
Ingredients:
- 12 eggs (scrambled)
- baby spinach (roughly 2 cups)
- 1/2 lb of ground sausage
- 2 tablespoons of butter
- 6-8 ounces of shredded cheese
- 12 English muffins
- salt and pepper (optional: seasonings of your choice)
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Scramble the 12 eggs and add spices in a large bowl.
Cook the ground sausage.
Grease the muffin tin with butter.
Place 3-4 spinach leaves in the muffin tin.
Take a 1/4 measuring cup and fill each cup 3/4 of the the way full.
Add the sausage pieces.
Top with cheese.
Cook the egg cups for 20 minutes.
Let them cool for 3 minutes before taking out of the muffin tin.
Let them cool fully before you place them in the freezer.
ENJOY!
Feel free to add whatever you like to these egg cups- ham, bacon, chives etc. Mix it up and make different cups!
Friday, January 1, 2016
A New Year Without Resolutions
I know that I have personally fantasized about achieving goals for the new year in the past and as soon as January 1st comes, I feel awful. I feel so much pressure to have a plan and to be ready. Then the next few weeks are spent criticizing myself- why can't I just do this one thing?
It's hard to let people down but it feels even worse when you let yourself down. This year I don't want to pretend that 2016 is going to hold all the answers. I don't know what is in the cards for me.
Instead of making a whole list of goals that I want to achieve for the next year, I just want to apply the lessons that I learned from last year.
- Trust in yourself.
- Don't forget to enjoy the little things.
- Accept that there are things that are beyond your control.
- If you don't like someone, don't pretend to be their friend.
- Don't judge people for their choices when they don't affect you.
- Call your grandparents without notice- they love it.
- Most arguments are not worth the time or effort.
- Don't be afraid to be yourself.
These are some hard lessons that I had to learn. I spent too much of last year being upset over things that I couldn't control. I refuse to let another year consume me with stress and sadness.
It's cheesy but I found this Mark Twain quote to be very fitting for me.
My favorite part about this is "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did." I would rather make memories than look back and say that I played it safe. Every day we should be trying to live our lives to the fullest. Not promise to and then become discouraged because we didn't get the promotion or lose 50 pounds. Enjoy the experiences. Enjoy the memories.
Now on to the fun stuff. Things we should all be looking forward to in 2016:
- Deadpool
- Zoolander 2
- The Forest
- Allegiant
- Kung Fu Panda 3
- Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice
- The Jungle Book
- Alice Through the Looking Glass
- The Secret Life of Pets
- Finding Dory
Okay these are just movies but that is what I am looking forward to the most...
I am still going to do the 52 Week Book Challenge. From January 1st to the 9th I will be reading Cinder by Marrissa Meyer. Then every Sunday I will start a new book and review the one I just read. From January 10th-16th I will read 11/22/63 by Stephen King. Not sure why I thought reading 864 pages in 7 days would be fun, but oh well.
I wish you all the best for 2016!
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