We're all in some kind of relationship. Whether it's with our parents, siblings, family, friends, lovers, or ourselves, we are in a relationship. I feel like I never really connected with my family or friends. I blame myself for some of that but also a lot on the other person.
My mother and I were close when I was in high school. Before that we never got a long. Now we stay in touch but sometimes I don't know what to say to her on the phone.
I can deal with my family. I have come to accept that they won't really ever truly understand me. But the biggest thing that I hate is my lack of friends. I don't know what it is about me that screams "stay away" but I've never really had friends. The last time I remember feeling like I was liked was in second grade. Even then, I was still a little shit when I hung out with a certain girl. She was a bad influence... we were all still young though. No one really disliked me. When I moved away for third grade my new school was all about popularity. I was an outcast on day 1. I found a friend who kind of understood me. For a few years we dealt with not being the most popular people. I moved again in 6th grade. I was surrounded by a bunch of people who were very involved with the church. I made one friend. She stayed my friend until the end of high school. I made a few friends during those years. One I still talk to. I consider her to be my best friend but now that she has two kids... we never talk about anything other than that. We don't see each other because I moved 2,000 miles away.
I feel like I have always been a great friend. The friend that will come to you in when you need it most, who will give you a bed to sleep on, a shoulder to cry on, I will call you first, text you a wall of text trying to help, i'll "tag" you in funny things, and i'll try my best to help. But when it comes to me being in need, no one is there for me. And I mean no one. My boyfriend is really the closest thing I have to a best friend. He's great. He listens to me and my problems. But he has no clue on how to help me. He doesn't know how to give advice, offer solutions, or give words of encouragement. He has no idea how to be that person. Which is very hard for me. I want to tell him everything and I do. But he can't really be there for me.
I guess i've come to accept that I don't have that friend. And I probably will never have a friend who will care about me as much as I do them. I think I'm done trying to help my friends. I honestly think they don't care whether or not I help them. Tonight I was very upset and stressed out. I called on my friend who just said the other day that he'd always be there for me. I sent him a long message about what was going on. I was surprised when he gave a quick answer and seemed like I was bothering him. He basically told me he didn't know how to help. And not because this is out of his range, more like he just didn't want to try.
It really bummed me out but I kept trying to talk to him. Force the conversation. He sent one word replies and seemed disinterested. I'm just so done trying to make my relationships with people work. Sometimes I just want to delete every person who I don't talk to and be done with it. I'm also going to stop talking to someone if they aren't trying to have a conversation with me. If you don't want to talk to me, then don't. It makes me more frustrated when you pretend like you care, but don't. So when I come to you for help, you drop me flat on my face. So i'm with it. I'm done putting in the effort. If you need me, i'll be here. But i'm not going to waste my time.
I have so much to worry about with myself that I can't afford to keep trying to make it work with other people. I wish I had a best friend who would call me and ask me whats up, lets hang out, how are you feeling today? But I guess that person isn't out there for me. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference but i'm jealous. I'm jealous that my friends have someone like me. Someone they don't deserve. And I have no one.
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