The Beginning...

As with most things in life, there is a beginning to everything. I have always viewed my anxiety and panic disorder as the end. I have no job and no prospects of getting a job. Anxiety is perpetual because you need to do things like go to work, go to school, be social, be normal. And in order to do these things you have to be able to get out your own mind.

When you have anxiety, the best thing you can do is fight and live. But when you get to a certain point, like I have, and you can't leave the house to go to work or be with friends, you can't get better. And you won't get better. You will get worse. 

I can't go workout to help my anxiety because working out gives me anxiety. All I will be able to think about is

"Oh my God, i'm going to faint. I'm going to faint in front of these strangers. What if I have a heart attack? What if I have a panic attack and have to be rushed to the doctor. If I go to the doctor then I will  have a panic attack. I can't panic right now. Oh God. I'm panicking. STOP PANICKING! YOU'RE FINE!"

Which just leaves me mentally and emotionally drained. I won't be able to finish working out and I will become again depressed at how low my life has gotten and how I can't do anything to stop it, how my life is going to be  forever perpetually miserable and give me an early grave.

But I don't tell people that I have anxiety because it ALWAYS sounds like a pathetic excuse to sit at home all day or complain about all the mediocre things in your life. People don't actually realize that its a disorder like any other disorder and I physically, mentally, and emotionally, can't get rid of it.

It will always be apart of me and has been since I was 12.

I would do anything to be able to live without anxiety. Because then I could drive, work, go to any social gathering site like the mall, a concert, a movie, a store etc.

I could do everything and I would be happy because I wouldn't be a loser who has to sit at home and go to school online because shes too messed up to live a normal life.

I guess I wanted to write this because maybe I could find a place to vent or meet people like me who can relate and understand me.