Its all possible

I don't know what it is about trying to do homework but its really horrible.I guess because I have zero motivation or focus so I find it hard to sit and read a textbook and ask myself why even half of this information is relevant to my life. Though I guess geography is something everything should probably learn...

I am trying to do things that my mind and body fight me on. I am trying to eat better and do more school work. Also more physical activities. And its not like they are extremely difficult things to do. Food is definitely the hardest part. Food is my comfort. It makes me feel better in almost every single situation I have been in. When I'm happy? Eat! When I'm having a bad day? Eat! When I'm trying to suppress my anxiety and worries? EAT. 

So for me I have a very strong bond with food and my anxiety. They didn't go hand in hand until I wasn't medicated anymore. Then I found a new drug and its name is sugar. But unfortunately it has had its effects on me and now I need to lose the weight. I am so terrified of being diabetic. Like it literally makes me depressed and so scared. But for so long I just brushed it off and kept eating my feelings because I really have no other way to cope. But now that I think that I am at least pre-diabetic its time to change my life. So today I am counting my calories and hoping for the best.

Like I said before my anxiety is perpetual because I get scared of having this disease but I'm also scared of seeing a doctor, leaving the house, working out, and feeling hungry because I don't want to pass out and die. 

And as irrational as I know I am being...I can't help it. Which is why anxiety is so. damn. frustrating. I know how stupid I sound in my own mind but I can't help it. Its almost like having two people living in your  head but one is dominant and that's the one you want to just shut up for five minutes!

But I'm going to try.

I have to.

For myself and my mental health.