Motivation Monday: Time to get real.

Hello blogfriends, 

As you can see from the title, things are about to get real in my life. As you can see from my previous posts, I suffer from anxiety and depression. Its something that I have dealt with for 10 years now. 

Having depression and having zero self-worth meant that I have never put myself first. I created a wall around me both literally and figuratively. The last time I remember actually being happy in my skin was 2nd grade. I was happy and didn't care about what people thought about me or my body. It wasn't a thing yet to be self-conscious or different. We were all just kids trying to have fun. 

Shit hit the fan in my life when my family moved and I went to a new school in 3rd grade. My step-father was bi-polar and self medicated with alcohol. It was at this age that it became very apparent. My childhood memories include being home alone, a lot, and  being very scared. I didn't know what my dad was capable of and when he was drinking he was very violent and loud. My mom worked 45 minutes away from home and the responsibility of watching my sister was all on me. Being a child and having to take care of a baby really messed me up. It messed up my relationship with my sister as well because I became her parent in so many ways. 

I often did not have anyone to talk to or turn to. Except food of course. I was home alone all day and food...food made me feel better. It has always been my drug of choice. I built up a wall of fat around myself because I needed protection. I didn't want people looking at me, talking to me, liking me, I just wanted to be invisible to everyone. I went through a lot of emotional abuse, sometimes physical. This was my life for a long time. 

I became overweight as well as my mother. She separated and divorced. I just want to say though, I did love my step-dad. I knew that he was not in control of his addiction but he loved me and he was always there for me. He was the one person who told me I was beautiful in my life. He passed away in 2012 and it was/is still really hard. I find myself wishing I could still talk to him but everything happens for a reason and as much as I accept that, it still hurts sometimes.

When I was 15 my biological dad decided to reach out. I had never known him and never thought I would, ever. He was always my mom's true and first love. After a couple years they decided to get back together and we all chose to try out this family thing again. My mother found a reason to get healthy. My senior year of high school she and I would go walk at a really awesome park that had insane hills. She lost a lot of weight. A lot.  She was healthy and in the best shape of her life. I was also having a good time in my weight lifting class and working out with her. I didn't notice it at first but one day I looked in the mirror and I saw that my body was different. I was actually sort of slim. Not where I wanted to be but I looked good. But I was still blinded by insecurity and no self-worth. I ignored the people around me telling me that I looked good because I didn't feel good. I still was that fat insecure girl on the inside and that's what they don't tell you. Losing weight is only half the battle. You still have to face your inner demons. 

Flash forward to today, 3 years after high school.  I started dating the love of my life and got too comfortable. I am at the biggest weight I have ever been, my anxiety has skyrocketed, I have no job, and no self-worth. I don't look in the mirror and feel happy. I feel bad all the time, I have no energy, and I have almost no clothes left that fit. I look at myself and think, God I am 21 years old and so unhealthy that I can't enjoy it. 

I want certain things in my life and they can't happen. I want to go clothes shopping and buy anything I see that is cute and not have to shamefully shop in the plus sized section, I want to have a child, I want to be healthy. I  have kept telling myself for over 10 years that I will get healthy.
Well today got real for me. 

After going through this year I  have decided that I am missing something in my life. A baby. Its not that I just want to have one because they are cute and whatever...its a much deeper need. I feel like I'm missing a puzzle piece, that my life is incomplete. I want to be a mother. I want to raise a child and be that role. I want to have a family. I have wanted this for a long time but now that i'm getting older I feel it so much more now. I have dreams about it, I become instantly sad when I see people I know who are pregnant. I know that I will be an amazing mom. There are people out there who say, "oh you can't possibly know that, having kids isn't what you think, its really hard..." I KNOW that I am going to be a good mom. I KNOW that having a baby doesn't solve all my problems, and I KNOW that it will be hard. 

TMI warning!

My whole life I have never had a regular period. In 2013 they stopped all together. I took birth control for a year and had regular periods. Some of the good things that happened was my acne went away and my hair was healthier. However, I had a yeast infection every month, a week before each cycle. I was miserable and in pain almost everyday. I stopped the birth control a month ago and the pain has gone. But, my face has broken out and my hair has started to fall out again. The doctor I went to gave me little help or explanation but wrote me off having PCOS. 

She told me that If I lose weight I will get a cycle again. Though I know that its not going to be that simple or easy. 

Well now its 2015 and all I have managed to do is gain weight and dig myself deeper into the self-pity hole. I want to have kids in a couple years and to do that, I need to be healthy, happy, and have a cycle. So I began to research my options and I found a plan. That plan however requires me to have a lifestyle change. I want to stop making excuses for myself. I want to be happy 6 months from now when iv'e reached my goal weight loss. I'm tired of wasting my time on this earth unhappy. I'm only going to be in my 20's once and I'm sitting around wasting my good years. I am going to take control of my life. Today is the day I stop making excuses. Its going to be hard. So hard. Food has been there for me when no one else has. But I want to start a family and feel happy about myself. That is something that food cannot give me. So I am breaking up with junk food for good. I have a plan and i'm going to do it. I have to. Its time to be real with myself. 

I'm sorry for the long post, if any of you made it to the end, thank you for reading.