Very Inspiring Blogger Award

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award

I feel bad because I was actually given this award a few months ago and I am now just getting around to making a post about it! New Wings to Fly nominated me and I was very moved by receiving this award. I don't think many people really talk about having anxiety- especially the ugly parts. I don't think she has posted either for a few months sadly. Hopefully she comes back and makes a post!

Part of the award involves listing 10 facts about yourself so here it goes:

1. I love cows. They are my favorite animal.
2. I binge watch Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
3. I am always on Pinterest and Facebook. 
4. I was born in Utah.
5. I could sleep all day.
6. I have broken two bones- my left arm and my left ankle.
7. I don't really know how to put on make-up.
8. I love music! I am always looking for new suggestions.
9. I don't like watching TV shows that require my attention for longer than 30 minutes.
10. I prefer the mountains over the beach.

I feel bad because I am supposed to nominate 15 blogs that I feel deserve this award but I don't follow that many people! Or actually anyone yet! So if you're reading this and you know of a blog that deserves this award, please give it to them on my behalf! These are the rules:

1. Thank your nominator by posting a link to their blog on your Award post

2. List 7 to 10 Facts About Yourself

3. Nominate up to 15 other blogs for being inspirational

4. Post the rules so people know them

5. Notify your nominees via their About Page and send them the link to your Award Post with the rules on it – I will do so once I choose the lucky ones and I finish this post

6. Post the award badge on your blog anywhere you like on your pages or posts

I also just want to say thank you to anyone out there who is reading this blog. Maybe it's one person, or none. Either way I'm glad that I have a place where I can talk about my anxiety without feeling shame. My few posts have really helped me discover more about myself. This award makes me very happy and I'm glad that someone out there in blogland thought I deserved it!

Goals for 2016! 52 Week Book Challenge

Goals for 2016

Hello everyone! I haven't written in a few months, mostly because I was incredibly busy. I spent a month with my parents in Florida and then when I came home, I packed up my apartment and moved! It has been about a week and we are finally in our new townhouse. It is just me, Rob, and my brother now. And of course the fur babies Charlie and Jax. It has been an adjustment. I never appreciated everything my parents have done like calling cable companies, setting up electricity, and buying renter's insurance. Things that I have never had to do even at 21. But I got it done and here we are. 

2015 was not at all what I expected it to be like. I don't think I ever could have imagined not working for a whole entire year. I wish I could go back and not stress as much as I did. I was so anxious about everything- bills, roommates, jobs, and money. Now that i'm where I am today, things worked out. I still am unsure about what I am going to do. I would like to get a part-time job this coming year. The only problem is Rob and I share a car and I will be going back to school this spring. I think we will be able to work out me using the car for work but if I had to also keep it for going to work, I'm not sure how Rob would have rides to work and back. Ideally I want to work somewhere after hours and completely away from customer service. I know my limits and right now that is something I can't handle. 

I still feel a lot of guilt for not being able to just be a "normal" person. I wish I could have had money to buy people gifts for the holidays but not having a job killed that pretty quick. I know that I can't help the way I am but yet at the same time, I feel like it's still my fault for being this way. It comes with the illness I guess. 

I really want 2016 to be a good year. I want to just be content. Not even happy all the time. I just want to feel peace. I want to finish school, find a job that I can handle, and not stress as much. I also want Rob and I to have more fun together. Last year it felt like everything was so focused on saving money and not enjoying each other. This year I want to start off the year with money in savings and then instead of Rob's leftover money going straight into that, I want to go on dates. Maybe go out of town for a couple nights. Things that we will be able to remember. Some day soon we are going to settle down and have kids. I want to go on some adventures before we are really tied down. I also am going to take control of my health. No more excuses, I am going to do it. I don't want to be stressing about my health when I try to have children or 6 weeks from my wedding day, I just want to feel good about myself.

So my goals for 2016 are:

• Finish school and get my Associate's degree
• Spend more time with Rob
• Worry less about money
• Find a job that I will enjoy
• Take control of my health
• Read 1 book a week, 52 books for the year.

My last goal is a little more silly but I really want to read 1 book a week. It sounds really fun and something I will be able to focus on. Also reading at night will help me fall asleep sooner. I have smaller goals too like, going to bed by 11:00 pm. At this time next year, I want to feel proud that I stuck to my goals. I don't ever hold myself to anything but this year is going to be different. 

I hope you all have an amazing Christmas break and New Year! I will be blogging more often, especially about book reviews. I am really excited about reading tons (well not tons) of new books!! Here is my list of books to read so far:

• Red Queen- Victoria Aveyard
• Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children- Ransom Riggs
• Hollow City
• Library of Souls
• Cinder (Lunar Chronicles)- Marissa Meyer
• Scarlet
• Cress
• Winter
• The Death Cure (Maze Runner series)- James Dashner
• The Kill Order
• Percy Jackson The Sea of Monsters- Rick Riordan
• The Titan's Curse
• The Battle of the Labyrinth
• The Last Olympian
• The Harry Potter Series ( I know I can't believe I haven't read the either!)- J.K Rowling

For now that is all I can think of! I will update the list in a few days with the actual schedule of what i'm going to read. Any suggestions would be great as well! 

Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING.

Hey blogfriends,

I wanted to share with everyone a recipe that is near and dear to my heart, pumpkin spice cookies! My mother used to make these during the Fall season and it is probably my favorite cookie of all time... Gets me feeling all nostalgic-y! Even though that's not a word...

I made my brother a pumpkin chocolate chip cake for his 25th birthday and it was amazing. The best part is............it only has 3 ingredients!!! [insert "Hooray" sound clip here]. As far as desserts go it is also on the healthier side, which is bonus for me because i'm trying to eat better!

http://tvfoodanddrink.com/2012/10/pumpkin-chocolate-chip-cookies-2-versions/

So these are NOT my cookies, I shamelessly stole them from the internet, but mine come out looking exactly like this, which is why I chose the picture. I did not take a good picture of the one I made but I will upload a picture of it anyway!

As you can see, even in cake form, it is similar!

So what do you need???

1. 15 oz can of pumpkin puree (I used Libby's. They also have an organic option!)
2. A box of spice cake mix (I used Carrot Cake. For a gluten free option use a gluten free cake mix! Still spice flavored though. Some people like Gingerbread, Carrot Cake, Spice, use what you like.)
3. Chocolate Chips! (I used dark chocolate)
4. 1/2 tablespoon Pumpkin Pie Spice (this is optional, but recommended)

The directions are pretty straightforward. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees, mix the pumpkin puree, cake mix, chocolate chips, and pumpkin pie spice together until well blended. Scoop about a tablespoon of the mix on a foil lined cookie sheet, bake for 10-12 minutes! Then bam stuff your face full of pumpkin-y goodness! Look another made up word! Anyway, these really are a great dessert to start transitioning into Fall (YAY) and they also aren't that bad of a treat so you should feel no guilt! Unless you eat the whole tray... Also can I just add that my love for pumpkin spice is NOT because I am a white girl....seriously. 

I just felt that I had to share with you guys this recipe...but back to real life!

My anxiety has been through the roof this week. I think it might be because I really stopped following my diet. I got lazy and cheated. A lot. A lot more than I was supposed to. I felt great the first 2 weeks of my diet and my anxiety felt less severe. I slept a lot better and even had more energy. My digestion was also on point too. As soon as I stopped following it as strictly, I had problems. Insomnia, anxiety, upset stomach, low energy, and overall just a sad mood. So obviously the food I put into my body makes a big difference. Sometimes I just let myself worry and dig myself a self-pity-hole and it's hard to climb out of it sometimes. I let guilt eat away at me until I just don't want to get out of bed. I don't let myself accept the fact that I have anxiety. It is real and it comes with a lot of REAL problems. I didn't ask to be like this. And I can't be so hard on myself all the time. I also can't pretend that my problems will go away on my own, I have to work everyday at it. I may not be able to work right now but that doesn't mean I won't ever be able to work. I can find something, it just has to be the right fit for me. My perfect job is out there and it will come to me when I am truly ready for it. In the meantime I need to keep working on myself a little bit everyday.

In conclusion, I hope you guys try this recipe, let me know how it worked for you!

Paleo Day 2: Can't believe I made it to day 2!

Hey blogpeople,

Success! I made it to day two without dying! Okay that is a little over exaggerated, but it was difficult. The hardest part about yesterday was not being able to feel full. I know that I had enough food, but my body was not recognizing it as a meal. My stomach was still waiting to be stretched by all the food it is used to! So the portions were good, just not filling up my entire stomach. 
People say that I am supposed to feel "good" but I don't expect to start feeling that way until the second week or maybe even third. I think that's why dieting is so challenging. People think that eating better is so easy but in reality, its not. So don't feel discouraged if your diet is not making you feel like a million bucks yet. There is going to be a struggle in the beginning, we have to stay strong and take back control of our body!
My body is addicted to sugar, fat, and corn syrup. As sad as that is, its the truth. What's even more sad is trying to find something that doesn't include high fructose corn syrup, maltodextrins, and sweeteners!! Seriously, there is almost nothing expect for fruits, vegetables, and meat. So if you don't think that there is a food epidemic then try finding food without added sugar and you will be surprised at what is available. 
Anyway rant over...
Last night I made a roasted chicken with fresh green beans and carrots. By this point I was so ready to eat some meat and feel full! Let me tell you, food never tasted so good! 





Looks delicious right?? Well it was! And it was super healthy and filling. It felt amazing to get a bigger portion of food in this belly. I have actually never made fresh green beans before (they've always been in a can...) or carrots. So if anyone wants to try doing it, its actually really simple. 

1.  Take some fresh green beans- I think we used about 1/2 lbs.
2.  Snip off the ends
3.  Measure 1 -1 1/2 cups of water
4.  Place the green beans in a sauce pan or skillet
5.  Add the water
6.  Bring to a boil
7.  Reduce heat to a light boil for 5-6 minutes depending on how crisp you like them
8.  Drain and rinse under cold water
9.  Add 1 tablespoon of butter (I used ghee and added minced garlic)

And there you have it! Yummy green beans that are crispy and fresh!  
If you want to try the carrots its a similar process. Just pour enough water over the carrots to cover them, add some sea salt to the water, boil for about 10-20 minutes (depending on how thick they are), test softness with a fork, if ready drain, add butter. 
I added a little bit of honey to the water just to bring out some sweetness. Some people boil the carrots with sugar and salt but I can't have sugar! So I went for the more savory carrots.  
The chicken was an oven bagged chicken that we got on sale. It was an organic chicken too! 
Dinner was a success and for some dessert later on I had some apple slices and a little bit of peanut butter. 

This morning we stuck to a simple breakfast that included scrambled eggs and bacon. I am also drinking lemon water!

  

 
Doesn't that make you thirsty???

  
Bonus Charlie wearing some flip-flops!

I'm going to make a smoothie soon, around 11:00 am and then Rob and I have to run some errands. For lunch we are going to have left over chicken and a salad with apple slices! Then we are going to go to Whole Foods and Trader Joe's. 
We will have to find dinner down there because its about 30 minutes from our house, hopefully something that won't be too bad for my diet. Then we have to go see a play downtown.
Nothing against theatre or plays but I really, really don't want to go see a play....but my theatre class requires everyone to go see (and pay for, thank you teacher) a live play.

I will post about what goodies we find! Hope everyone out there has a lovely day and don't forget to drink lots of water!     
  

 

Day 1 Paleo and Gluten Free

Hello blogfriends,

I just thought I would share how the first day of my diet is going. My initial feelings are:

• Hungry
• Tired
• Excited
• Good
• Refreshed
• Hungry
• Fresh
• Hungry
• Hungry

So as you can see, I am hungry! My body is not used to being only sufficient of fruits and veggies. I knew that the hungry feeling was going to be hard in the first couple days or even week. It does not help the cravings at all. Because when you feel hungry you just want to stuff your face! But the thing is, I am eating. I'm eating plenty of food. Its just not food that makes me feel really food and gross after so my body is like WTF?? Where's the real stuff? We aren't done until we feel bad about it! So I cannot wait for that to end.

For breakfast, around 7:30 am, I tried something I saw on Pinterest! 

Looks pretty good right? And easy to make?? WRONG.

First of all, when you crack open the egg inside the pepper the egg yolk runs right out from underneath it, and that's with hold the pepper down. Second, the egg doesn't cook! the top of the egg is still, idk raw, I guess you can say. I turned the heat down to slow cook them but the bottom was burning so I decided to flip them upside down!

This is what mine turned out like! They don't look anything like the pictures! So did they end up tasting good? Nope! The combination of already over-easy eggs and juicy peppers was the weirdest flavor and consistency. It was like eating watery eggs. So I will not be doing that again though I appreciate the idea, it's just not for me. The bacon was good though. 

For a snack around 9:30 am I decided to try out our new blender and make a green smoothie. I was apprehensive about the smoothie because I've never added any greens to one before.

So I used about 2 cups of frozen fruit (mixed bag had grapes, peaches, strawberries, and blueberries), 1 cup of water, a 1/2 cup of coconut milk, 1-1/2 cups of kale, and 1 whole banana (which technically i'm not supposed to have but I figured it would do more good than harm).

The taste was actually amazing. It tasted so fresh and delicious! But, it did not look fresh not delicious...

It was quite the funky color but taste really made up for it!

As I was drinking the smoothie I just felt so good. It was like I could feel my body absorbing all the nutrients and vitamins! I don't know it was just very refreshing! 

Around 11:30 am I wanted to have a snack so I prepared some apple slices (and by prepared I mean I bought pre-sliced apples and put them on a plate), and some lemon water. 

Around 1:00 pm I will probably make my lunch but I'm not sure what I will eat...I'm not looking forward to having a salad really so I might have some cold cuts and almonds too. I really just want it to fill me up so I can make it to dinner time when I make a roasted chicken with green beans and carrots!! I cannot wait for some meat to get in this body! Okay that sounds so wrong...

Anyway this is just day 1 and the biggest thing is just feeling hungry. After I eat I actually feel really good, it's just not full. Now I have to go do homework...*groan*

What is your standard?

Hey everyone!



I am currently putting off doing homework because I really, really, do
not feel like doing it. I thought that the assignment was going to be
simple and short but I have to actually end up writing a 2-4 page essay
and I'm just not feeling that right now...or ever. But I will get it
done eventually. Well, I have to its due tonight...

Anyways!
So my last post I talked about how I was getting real with myself and
decided to choose to start taking care of myself. I researched more into
what PCOS is and how it is directly effecting my body, my anxiety, and my
emotional state. Every youtube video I watched of women doing either the
PCOS Diet, the Low Amylose Diet, Gluten Free, Paleo Diet, Vegan, or
Vegan Raw Diet has been successful in not only regulating their cycles
naturally but also curing their PCOS and having children. Every woman I
saw testified to the diet they were doing and how much better they feel inside and out and I just got more motivated to do that for myself. 

I want to feel good and reduce my anxiety. I'm tired of being tired! And I want to have a good life, a healthy life. I watched a really awesome video that I will
put a link to that makes you question what kind of standard you are
giving yourself. Are you living up to your standards? And I thought
about this and the simple and quick answer was no. I do not hold myself
to any standard. I don't put my needs first, I ignore them and suppress
them. I don't challenge my mind or my body in any way. I try to do things
so that I don't have anxiety like drive or work but that doesn't make
me happy. Not being able to drive without anxiety or work without anxiety
makes me sad. And I don't try to overcome it I just try to avoid that. I
don't try to make myself healthy. I didn't think that I was good enough
to be a Vegan or anything like that. I just assumed that I couldn't do
it and that its not a good way to live. 

I have been very ignorant about a lot of diets like going gluten free or
being vegan. But I don't know anything about the matter I just assumed
that I was having a better life by eating meat and processed foods and
sugars. But I am not healthy or happy. They are. So who is really living
the better life?

I also did not think that I could do it. I don't know how to eat without sugar,
gluten, potatoes, and corn. I honestly don't know what I'm going to
cook or eat but I'm going to try and I'm holding myself to a higher
standard. And that is why I am going to do this diet, for myself. Yes it
is going to be very difficult. Yes I am going to have some bad days.
But in 3 months I KNOW that I will feel so much better. 

So to anyone out there reading this, ask yourself about your standard. Do
you have a standard? Are you holding yourself to that standard? Why not?
So I challenge anyone out there to start that change. Start helping
yourself instead of pretending like you don't have problems. Stop settling for a bad life. Make the decision today to choose YOU. 



 

Motivation Monday: Time to get real.

Hello blogfriends, 

As you can see from the title, things are about to get real in my life. As you can see from my previous posts, I suffer from anxiety and depression. Its something that I have dealt with for 10 years now. 

Having depression and having zero self-worth meant that I have never put myself first. I created a wall around me both literally and figuratively. The last time I remember actually being happy in my skin was 2nd grade. I was happy and didn't care about what people thought about me or my body. It wasn't a thing yet to be self-conscious or different. We were all just kids trying to have fun. 

Shit hit the fan in my life when my family moved and I went to a new school in 3rd grade. My step-father was bi-polar and self medicated with alcohol. It was at this age that it became very apparent. My childhood memories include being home alone, a lot, and  being very scared. I didn't know what my dad was capable of and when he was drinking he was very violent and loud. My mom worked 45 minutes away from home and the responsibility of watching my sister was all on me. Being a child and having to take care of a baby really messed me up. It messed up my relationship with my sister as well because I became her parent in so many ways. 

I often did not have anyone to talk to or turn to. Except food of course. I was home alone all day and food...food made me feel better. It has always been my drug of choice. I built up a wall of fat around myself because I needed protection. I didn't want people looking at me, talking to me, liking me, I just wanted to be invisible to everyone. I went through a lot of emotional abuse, sometimes physical. This was my life for a long time. 

I became overweight as well as my mother. She separated and divorced. I just want to say though, I did love my step-dad. I knew that he was not in control of his addiction but he loved me and he was always there for me. He was the one person who told me I was beautiful in my life. He passed away in 2012 and it was/is still really hard. I find myself wishing I could still talk to him but everything happens for a reason and as much as I accept that, it still hurts sometimes.

When I was 15 my biological dad decided to reach out. I had never known him and never thought I would, ever. He was always my mom's true and first love. After a couple years they decided to get back together and we all chose to try out this family thing again. My mother found a reason to get healthy. My senior year of high school she and I would go walk at a really awesome park that had insane hills. She lost a lot of weight. A lot.  She was healthy and in the best shape of her life. I was also having a good time in my weight lifting class and working out with her. I didn't notice it at first but one day I looked in the mirror and I saw that my body was different. I was actually sort of slim. Not where I wanted to be but I looked good. But I was still blinded by insecurity and no self-worth. I ignored the people around me telling me that I looked good because I didn't feel good. I still was that fat insecure girl on the inside and that's what they don't tell you. Losing weight is only half the battle. You still have to face your inner demons. 

Flash forward to today, 3 years after high school.  I started dating the love of my life and got too comfortable. I am at the biggest weight I have ever been, my anxiety has skyrocketed, I have no job, and no self-worth. I don't look in the mirror and feel happy. I feel bad all the time, I have no energy, and I have almost no clothes left that fit. I look at myself and think, God I am 21 years old and so unhealthy that I can't enjoy it. 

I want certain things in my life and they can't happen. I want to go clothes shopping and buy anything I see that is cute and not have to shamefully shop in the plus sized section, I want to have a child, I want to be healthy. I  have kept telling myself for over 10 years that I will get healthy.
Well today got real for me. 

After going through this year I  have decided that I am missing something in my life. A baby. Its not that I just want to have one because they are cute and whatever...its a much deeper need. I feel like I'm missing a puzzle piece, that my life is incomplete. I want to be a mother. I want to raise a child and be that role. I want to have a family. I have wanted this for a long time but now that i'm getting older I feel it so much more now. I have dreams about it, I become instantly sad when I see people I know who are pregnant. I know that I will be an amazing mom. There are people out there who say, "oh you can't possibly know that, having kids isn't what you think, its really hard..." I KNOW that I am going to be a good mom. I KNOW that having a baby doesn't solve all my problems, and I KNOW that it will be hard. 

TMI warning!

My whole life I have never had a regular period. In 2013 they stopped all together. I took birth control for a year and had regular periods. Some of the good things that happened was my acne went away and my hair was healthier. However, I had a yeast infection every month, a week before each cycle. I was miserable and in pain almost everyday. I stopped the birth control a month ago and the pain has gone. But, my face has broken out and my hair has started to fall out again. The doctor I went to gave me little help or explanation but wrote me off having PCOS. 

She told me that If I lose weight I will get a cycle again. Though I know that its not going to be that simple or easy. 

Well now its 2015 and all I have managed to do is gain weight and dig myself deeper into the self-pity hole. I want to have kids in a couple years and to do that, I need to be healthy, happy, and have a cycle. So I began to research my options and I found a plan. That plan however requires me to have a lifestyle change. I want to stop making excuses for myself. I want to be happy 6 months from now when iv'e reached my goal weight loss. I'm tired of wasting my time on this earth unhappy. I'm only going to be in my 20's once and I'm sitting around wasting my good years. I am going to take control of my life. Today is the day I stop making excuses. Its going to be hard. So hard. Food has been there for me when no one else has. But I want to start a family and feel happy about myself. That is something that food cannot give me. So I am breaking up with junk food for good. I have a plan and i'm going to do it. I have to. Its time to be real with myself. 

I'm sorry for the long post, if any of you made it to the end, thank you for reading. 

Catching Up

Hello everyone out there in blog land that actually reads this blog!

I have been gone for a couple months now because my life kind of got really busy, really fast.

Last month I was able to go to Florida and visit with my parents and sister
for about 3-4 weeks. My brother and boyfriend were with me in the
beginning of the trip for about five days and then they had to go back
home and go back to work. So I stayed a little longer to catch up with
my family and I really needed that little break from my life to come
back to sanity a little bit.

I feel so thankful for everything that has happened in the last year.
Every challenge I have had to face head on definitely has brought me into a
good place today. I am a firm believer in a lot of bad things happening and then finally, at the end of that upward battle, there is a long awaited moment of
peace and happiness. I feel that is just how life works. That bad things we go through happen so we can grow as a person and realize that we are strong and can get through a lot of shitty things and come out on top.

Right now I am in a very good place.

It feels very odd and foreign for me to be able to say that I am content.

And maybe that's the way it is with other people who have depression,
anxiety, or other mental illnesses. Its very rare that I feel in control
in my life. 

Its not like all my problems have disappeared over night because they haven't.

I still have things that need to get done but right now, everything is okay.

I look back at the last year of my life and it was absolute chaos. I felt
like I was drowning in my own self-pity and lack of self-worth. I had almost zero confidence in myself of what I was doing. The guilt that I felt was overwhelming and it really brought me down and I know that it brought Rob down with me at times. 

Now that the dust has settled, I can see just how strong Rob and I are and how strong we are as a couple. I don't think there's a lot of young people today in relationships that can go through what we have and come out even more in love that before we started.

I am so thankful to have a partner that is so patient with me and my struggles.

He would do anything for me and I honestly don't know why I deserve someone so special in my life. But I also realized that I wasn't giving myself enough credit because Rob is the person he is today because of me always encouraging him and pushing him to find his true potential.

We both continue to grow with each other every day and I am so happy that we are able to just mesh together the way we do.

I owe a lot of my new happiness to his strength in me.

Tomorrow I may not feel as happy or content like I do today but I am happy to have had at least one day that made me feel this.

Its a really special gift that I don't take for granted.

School is starting tomorrow and I know that it will cause me stress and anxiety but I will get through it. And I will continue to choose to work on being happy than to sit and dwell about everything that is bad in my life.

Marvelous Monday!

Today is a great start for the rest of the week! 

I got Charlie's blood work and lab test results and everything came back normal and looking good. So hopefully as we keep giving him his prescribed diet and medication his body should heal. Which is a very be chunk of stress that was sitting on my chest lifted. Also, Rob and I have potentially found a car, finally! So today has been very overwhelming in the best sense.

Things in life tend to pile up around us and it feels like we are suffocating. But sometimes we just have to wait for life to work itself out and point us in the right direction. Which is not easy at all but well rewarding. I knew that the day would come when things would start to settle and today is that day. Now i'm several steps closer to helping myself get back in order. I can focus on my diet again and catch back up on homework. 

Human emotions are extremely complicated. For example, my brother was really bummed out and mad at me for not spending time with him on Easter. Apparently he was trying to hint to me that he really needed to spend time with what family he had (since our parents and sister recently moved to Florida)  but I didn't get any of his hints and was oblivious to the whole situation. I was still until I was told by his girlfriend that he was upset today.

What I don't understand is if you really wanted something from me, whether it be my time or something else, just tell me outright. Had he just said that he really wanted me to come to dinner with him just to talk, I would have come. But now i'm left feeling bad and I shouldn't because there's nothing I could have done at the time. 

So to anyone reading this, if you are wanting something from a loved one, a friend, or family member, just ask them. Communicate. Because there's a chance that they aren't going to understand your "hints".

I know first hand that expressing yourself can be difficult but if you feel that badly, not telling someone what's going on is going to just hurt you even more. 

Reaching out to people who you trust and who are going through similar things that you are is the first step at solving the problem and getting through the hard time.

Tarriance Thursday!

I have hit a wall trying to write my geography paper and could feel the anxiety start to creep around so I am taking a break!

I went back and read some posts from my old blog, around the time I was in Jr. High and High School. I wrote a lot of dark things and overall the whole blog was kind of depressing. I don't want this blog to be a sad one but I also don't want to lie about my feelings. So today I feel a lot like this:

Mostly just because of the mountain of homework I need to get done but I have zero motivation to do any of it....

I tried to go to bed last night around midnight and I ended up just laying there feeling completely awake. So I stayed up as per usual and went to bed around 3 am. Insomnia is a tough habit to break. I might have to invest in sleeping pills. But those just end up making me feel tired in the morning. HA. I feel tired every morning so I guess it doesn't actually matter then.

I think that people often forget that anxiety can be just as much as a physical strain as it is a mental one. I'm constantly feeling the effects of fatigue, no motivation, headaches, fast heartbeat, and body aches. I just feel so exhausted all the time! I know that I need to get up and do some exercises but the thought of doing them makes me kinda sick to my stomach. But I'll feel better after I do some. The tricky part is getting out of bed. 

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because I have to take Charlie to the vet and I know I'm going to have a panic attack from being there. I don't know what it is about being in a place that has doctors. I think its scary because when you go to the doctor you have the chance of coming back a lot worse off than you thought you were. Having already been under a lot of stress I don't know how much more I can handle. I just pray that he is going to be okay. 

Now i'm going to go try and finish up this paper....

UGH.

Wholesome Wednesday

Wholesome: conducive to or suggestive of good health and physical well-being.

I would like to be wholesome. But I don't just want to have a physical well-being, I want serenity. 

Growing up Catholic I learned many prayers and though I am not a religious person these days, I still find comfort in them. I especially enjoy this prayer because often with anxiety comes worries and hopelessness of the future. Its something that is unattainable and we cannot control it. The only thing we can do is make everyday count and trust ourselves to make the best decisions for us. I often feel like I'm floating in the ocean. And in this giant ocean I am drifting about my life. I don't know whats coming, big waves that will try and knock me over and drown me, smaller waves that produce meaningful experiences, or stagnant waters. I am constantly being pulled by the current and I have to trust that I am going in the right direction. I can't control the waves, just how I to react to them.

As far as what that current is, I don't know. Some people believe our lives are already planned out for us by God and others think we create our own destinies.  I believe that its a combination of both. I was put in this specific spot in my own ocean and its only going in one direction. But, I have an entire ocean to swim in. I have space for my decisions but there are things that I cannot not change. And things that I can. That is why this is an important prayer. 

Anyone living with a mental illness has to find the courage in them to ask for help, talk to friends. and not let people make you feel ashamed of who you are because at the end of the day, we are who we are. And no one chooses to struggle the way we do.

I recently found these cartoon version of mental illness monsters by Toby Allen. I thought they were pretty amazing and thought that I would share a couple of them.

I think they are beautiful and accurately depict what its like to live with my demons in my head.

They are hurtful and painful but they are also such a big part of who I am today so I like that they are depicted as creatures of the mind.

You can find more of his artwork here:

 http://zestydoesthings.tumblr.com/

Heres to a better tomorrow.

Terrific Tuesday?

So today.

Today was not a good day.

I couldn't shake the feeling of nausea and fatigue. Just one of those days where it feels like you are trying to run away from yourself but you can't quite make it past, just lagging behind never catching a break.  

I'm not sure if it is because I didn't follow my diet, or just too much thinking on my part. I tried to move past my thoughts but overall I got tired of fighting with myself. I know also have the money I need to see a doctor about my anxiety. But I'm terrified. I don't know what to say...how to say it. I think one of my biggest fears is that people aren't going to believe me when I say i'm struggling. But I can't even hardly drive a car with out freaking out. I just want to enjoy my life. I don't want to be helpless. I want to be able to leave the house without a second thought or mental preparation. I just want to get through everything. 

I feel so lost. And helpless. I don't think I can do this alone. I know I can't do it alone. And I'm scared that I will never be strong enough and I don't know what that means for my future. I don't want to be medicated but I do at the same time. I just don't want to be a walking zombie. But a walking time bomb isn't nice either. So I have to choose whats going to be better. 

All I want to do is stay in my own little bubble. But I know that I can't live that way.

I guess I really don't know what to do. 

 

Happy - Natasha Bedingfield Lyrics Video

Motivation Monday

Today has been a good day so far. I am still trying to force myself to do mind-numbing homework but other than that I have not had any anxiety today. Its days like this that make me ask myself why I can't go out and get a job or go walk around stores? Obviously I'm doing okay! But even though I have good days and bad days, I need to remember that I still have a lot of work to do but having a good day makes me want to keep trying.

So today I am thankful for a day of peace.

It could all go to shit in an hour but i'm okay with that.

Dieting I think is helping my confidence. But I will say that it is terribly hard to not overeat. Not because I just love food so much but because it is my security blanket of sorts. It makes me feel whole and happy. Like if i'm sitting here eating then my mind takes it as "Hey, you must be doing pretty good. No need for any worries or panic right now." So I have to fight myself on going to the kitchen and just saying oh screw it and stuff myself until i'm sick. I know that it will give me INSTANT gratification but I know how bad i'm going to feel 5 minutes after and I can't afford to let myself feel like that.

I also think that now that I have a firmer grasp on what exactly anxiety is, I feel slightly more in control and well, not as alienated. I always knew that I had anxiety attacks and fear of people judging me, but I didn't realize that there are multiple types of anxiety such as Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety, Phobias, and PTSD. So a lot of things clicked in my head when I read more about my social problems with driving and working customer service. I have social anxiety! So that is why the thought of getting a job where I have to be face to face with people makes me want to hide under a rock. 

My plan is to go see a mental health doctor and get medicated but in the meantime I still need to get it back under control and that is with eating better, sleeping more, and exercising. 

I did try to do yoga today and it was rather comical at best...but I did feel a sensation of calmness spread through my chest. I think most people hold their anxiety in their chest area. So when I was able to stretch and just kind of let go for a few minutes, a lot of the pressure built up and gave way. So I'm going to try and do that more.

My goals for the week are:

1. Go to bed at a reasonable time. I'm going to aim for 12 am.
2. Get out of bed at a reasonable time. Before 9;00am
3. Eat a healthy breakfast.
4. Do yoga.
5. Make a schedule for the day-homework, eating, breaks.
6. Make all meals healthy and follow eating plan.
7. Drink 3 glasses of water a day at least.

So here's to following goals!!

To be young

Today was one of those really slow days where you feel like you have accomplished absolutely nothing but at the same time you have no desire to do anything. I guess what you can call a typical Sunday. Rob went to Church for the better part of the morning. I thought I was doing good-I got up around 8:30, fed Charlie, ate a healthy breakfast of two over easy eggs and toast, took a shower, and to my surprise had gotten all of this done by 10:30 am! I'm either just getting out of bed or still asleep around this time due to my insomnia keeping me up until late hours of the night..er morning I guess. 

However, as soon as I got out of the shower I laid down in my bed to let my hair dry a bit longer. The next thing I know I am fast asleep and I woke up around 1:00 pm because Rob was calling me to tell me he was on his way home! I did feel a lot like a failure. I was going to work on homework or get things done, possible find a car to go look out, maybe go to the local festival. But no. I was just so tired. Im guessing because I went to bed around 3 am and got up just 5 hours later. 

For the rest of the evening I had no motivation to do homework and really just wanted to enjoy doing nothing with the presence of Rob. But we did get really really bored so we decided to rearrange our bedroom. Which was kinda fun. I'm still getting used to the layout though, it might have to grown on me for a bit.

I kept thinking to myself throughout the day of how much I just wanted to be a kid again. To just run outside and play in sprinklers, play with friends, make up ridiculous games, get excited about the weekend, and walk into my newly spruced up room and get that really happy excited feeling you know? I used to get it when I was younger after my mom and I would spend an afternoon cleaning and reorganizing my room. The feeling like "Yes this is my space and Its just the way I like it, its perfect, its mine. Life is good."

But Its too often now that so many good things get pushed back because of everything else getting in the way. As much as i am happy about the new fresh look, there are still so many adult problems in my life that probably will never go away. Children don't realize how amazing it is to be care free and have an incredible imagination because It all goes away. We don't even get half of our lifetime to enjoy it. Just a mere 10-13 years. I just kept wishing for an ounce of wonderment. Just a little spark to let me know i'm still a curious and free person. But I guess we don't get to have those luxuries anymore. And yet when we are young all we wish for is independence, responsibility, and to be an adult. We have no idea at the time just how stupid of a wish that is. Because I wish I could be a kid forever. Take me Peter Pan!! On a lighter note, this is my handsome boy Charlie.